Guest Bloggers: The Bachelor: Episode 5 Recap a la Ashley & Jenn & Lauren

This week we were fortunate enough to be joined by Lauren McKinney, who had some fantastic comments and observations throughout the show and was also kind enough to supply Sprinkles.

This episode takes place in San Francisco, Ali’s home turf. As Jake shows the remaining 5 girls (Ali, Vienna, Tenley, Gia, and Corrie) around the hotel, Vienna proclaims “As much as I love roughing it” and we stop listening to her right there and call BS.

Tenley gets the first one-on-one date card and it says “Let’s get our love on track in San Francisco.” She looks gorgeous on her date and we’re all happy until we realize that their love isn’t on track, it’s on wheels. It’s a fake imposter trolley. Boo. They walk around Chinatown and go to a fortune cookie making shop, which I think is a more creative and cute date than we’ve seen in a long while. They each write a personal message and have it put in a cookie to save for later. They seem to be really hitting it off, but there were still a few awkward moments and pauses that they are at least comfortable enough now to fill with kisses.

The second date is a two-on-one. Corrie grabs the card and tells the girls that it’s Vienna and Ali…tension and rage fill the room… “Just kidding!” Man, that was the funniest thing that’s happened on the show. It made us really like her. The date is actually for Vienna and Gia but no one is really paying too much attention because Ali’s big sigh of relief has taken over the room. Vienna is playing the sad girl because no one likes her, and while we also don’t like her, we’re wondering why she cares. Also, Ashley is wondering if perhaps Vienna doesn’t know that eyeshadow should not be applied all around the eyes – she looks a bit raccoon-ish.

Meanwhile, Jake and Tenley are visiting Coit Tower. Jake says he pictures Tenley most as his wife – we agree, she looks like a cute little wife, but I guess that’s because she’s already been one? Jake confesses that he’s trying not to fall too fast and wants to know if Tenley has a full heart to give. He gives a really lame answer when Tenley asks what his expectations of marriage are but we gave kudos to her for asking a really thoughtful question considering her past marriage failed. We gave her more points for asking Jake about the reputation pilots have for infidelity and Jake responds that cheating is a choice and the woman he marries will be the last woman he looks at. We call BS again. Then Lauren chimed in from the couch “I HATE men in turtlenecks!” We agree (unless you're the hot guy from White Collar). Their fortune cookies are finally cracked open and serendipitously they both say “kiss me” – cute, but kind of a let down.

Back at the hotel room, a trunk full of clothes arrives for Gia and Vienna to choose from. While walking up to the castle where they’ll be for the overnight date Vienna says, “I’m my Dad’s princess and now I’m Jake’s Queen and he’s my prince charming.” Learn your royalty hierarchy, girlfriend. Gia feels like the third wheel while Vienna shares that she was “shaking in her pants” and then proceeds to share the aftermath details of the last rose ceremony. Jake explains that it was very difficult to let Jessie and Ashleigh go because they were such great friends (haha) and that the fact that Vienna is still here means that he likes her a lot and he doesn’t care what other people think. Ewww.

We’re relieved when Jake says he wants alone time with Gia. Gia says “you can eat my salmon” which we take to mean “kiss my ass, lady.” Gia confesses that she’s the most insecure, which she should be considering Lauren just commented under her breath “the bigger the hoops, bigger the whore.” Feisty; we like it. Jake reassures Gia that he’s really, really into her. That was the “I like you. Do you like me?” conversation. We guess they weren’t kidding when they said they were really dorky in high school. Maybe some people never get over that. Vienna is getting lonely so she grabs a lantern and heads on the prowl throughout dark corridors looking for Jake. She wants to make sure she’s the only one who gets to cuddle. You’re on the wrong show, lady. Whilst Vienna is wandering aimlessly, Gia is kissing for the camera – she’s practically got one eye open to make sure the camera is still on her.

In one-on-one time with Vienna Jake asks “What would married life be like with you?” We don’t even want to think about it but she responds by saying she wants to be like 6-year-olds in love. Huh? Vienna tells Jake “I’m falling for you,” to which he replies “hmmm…really?” hahahahahaha. We didn’t see Vienna and Jake kiss on camera so maybe that’s a good sign.

Jake hugs the girls goodnight in their rooms and after he’s in his bed chamber without his shirt on, he snuggles into bed when low and behold, in walks Vienna. Jake looks pissed but in his interview he says she looked “sexy as hell.” We use air quotes there because he had to be joking, right?

Corrie gets the next date card which says “Love is a walk in the park.” For a wardrobe consultant, we’re underwhelmed with her outfit. Ashley believes wardrobe consultant is code for unemployed and Lauren thinks it means she has a shopping addiction. Their boat ride in the pond is very Notebook-esque. We like. She’s cute and talks about wanting to kiss Jake with reference to the kissing rule from Hitch – he goes in 90, she’ll go in 10. Jake says “I’ll go 80, she should come 20.” No surprise that they don’t connect. Bummer, a first kiss would have been lovely in that uber-romantic location. Later on their date Jake looks bored and she looks like she’s going to cry. It seems like an interview and then Jake gets a “wait-a-minute” look on his face and asks “Are you saving yourself for marriage?” Corrie says yes and Jake looks like that was the deal breaker but he says he respects that and it’s not at all an issue. Then they kiss…FINALLY.

Ali’s date card comes to the hotel room and it says “I want to leave my heart in San Francisco. Show me your city.” Ali is excited to show Jake her neighborhood. As they walk along Jake stops to get Ali some flowers and she notes how many times she’s walked by that same place and wished she had someone to get her flowers. They talk about hometowns a lot – living in SF or Texas. We think it’s a little inappropriate to be making out and groping each other with all the cute little families that are strolling by, but whatever. Later Ali handles Jake’s questions about Vienna well. She seems a little more apathetic but she was classy about it. Kudos to her on the conversation, but she lost major style points on her outfit. It just wasn’t right. “I am just so smitten with that boy.” Aww.

Before the rose ceremony:
-Jake and Tenley dance, then make out. Super cute.
-Corrie brings up the virgin thing. Don’t remind him, honey.
-Gia’s dress looks awesome. Gia says she really respects Jake for showing character by sending Vienna back to the room on their overnight date. She tells Jake she wants to stand out. Lauren says that Gia does stand out because she’s the only brunette of the bunch. Lauren’s recently brunette too. Ashley and I welcome her to the club.
-Jake says he is really attracted to Vienna. Ugh. Jake likes her a lot. We like him less. He says he wants to fall for her. We wonder, would Vienna look better if she were a brunette?

Talking with Chris Harrison doesn’t reveal anything, except further confirming his worthlessness.

The lucky four ladies that are going to take Jake home to meet the fam are Tenley, Ali, Gia, and Vienna.

Jake has serious tears in his eyes and explains that with Corrie he “can’t ignore that there was just something missing” [sex?]. Why all of a sudden does Corrie look drunk in the limo? Free consolation champagne in the limo, perhaps?

Next week:
-Is someone coming back? Jake and Ed did last season - this could be fun! Any guesses on who it could be??
-Why isn’t there a rose ceremony - does someone go home early?
-How will Jake deal with Gia’s Jersey-esque mom?
-Vienna’s dad wants her to be treated like a princess. Surprise!

P.S. Cheers to Sarah Glenny Gonzales' friend who got engaged during the Marry Me Monday video of this episode!

- Ashley, Jenn, & Lauren