The fantasy suite episode takes us to the romantic island of St. Lucia, which, according to Jake is “the perfect place to fall in love.” He said the same thing about San Francisco. Apparently it wasn’t perfect enough there though, because Ali left him. But wait, cut to a scene of Ali at home (do most people wear a hotel robe in their homes?) contemplating whether she made the right decision as she stares at headshots of Jake on her/hotel nightstand. Creepy…but more of that later.
Jake’s first date is with Gia, who seems to be talking like she has a jolly rancher in her mouth. Gia walks up the side of a mountain to meet Jake. Much to Marisa’s annoyance Gia leaves her hair down, despite the crazy winds that keep blowing her hair in her face and mouth. Jake is surprised to see Gia, which is weird because that’s the point of him waiting on the top of the mountain. But then he and Gia take a boat ride across the bay to go mingle with the locals. And here comes our favorite/most hated scene of the night: Jake dancing. While mingling with the locals, Gia starts dancing with some of the reggae musicians. Jake tries to dance along with her, but it’s not pretty. If you’re familiar with Seinfeld, it’s the male equivalent of Elaine’s dance: rhythmless, jerky, and unattractive. Good thing she had her back to him most of the time, otherwise she might have just left the show right then. As they kept on going Jake bought her a necklace, which Gia put on her wrist and said she’s going to wear it there the rest of her life. The necklace goes on her wrist because she “wears her heart on her sleeve for Jake.”
Later that night for dinner Jake greets Gia with an awkward wave and they move over to dinner with their backs against the ocean, that way ABC gets a better photo op. Over dinner Jake tells Gia that she’s really deep. Hmm. We don’t really see that. When Gia asks to know more about Jake, he tells her that he always puts others before himself. Jenn thought this sounded like a textbook job interview answer. I’ll have to remember that one for when I need a new job. And it really bothered Marisa that Gia’s ears were tucked under her hair and headband. That’s not the purpose of a headband. But maybe that’s how they do things in New York? I doubt it. We need Jessie Reynolds to confirm or deny this.
They move to the hammock where Jake thinks their bodies are molding together like they were made for each other. Either that or the curvature of the hammock sheet… Regardless, Jake thinks this is the perfect time to bust out the fantasy suite card. Gia accepts the invitation and we cut to a scene of the two of them the bathtub. How romantic…except for the dirty brown bathwater. We hope that was just lighting. Eww.
Next date is with Tenley, which begins with a helicopter ride over the island followed by a picnic lunch in the rainforest. Tenley brings up how she loved that Jake appreciated her dance from last week’s episode. Tenley should really be informed about Jake’s inability to dance. He may need to stick to a nice slow waltz, which will probably be acceptable; Tenley doesn’t seem to be a hip hop kind of girl. For what seems like the hundredth time, Tenley states that she hasn’t been with another man since her ex-husband. This will be interesting when the fantasy suite card comes.
During dinner Jake asks Tenley to dance. No worries for Jake here though, it’s just a slow dance, middle school swaying back and forth. And again, when in doubt, just kiss. Nothing embarrassing this time. She lets Jake lead the dance and then equates him leading her in dancing to him leading her in life.
Jake tells Tenley that he really admires her values (after she states yet again, that she’s only been with one man). Jake especially likes her values when they’re flying out the window as she agrees to share the fantasy suite with him. But who knows what happened behind closed doors…in that candlelit room…with the private pool… and the bed covered in rose petals…
Finally, it’s time for the return of yellow-haired Vienna sausage. Marisa's been following our recaps but has never seen the show. Her mortified squeal at the sight of Vienna confirms our disgust. This date is on a pirate ship. There is lot’s of deck top making out, including some really sickening face-licking kisses. Ew. In addition to not being able to dance, Jake also can’t do accents. I thought speaking like a pirate was on everyone’s resume, but apparently not Jake’s. His attempts to talk to Vienna like a pirate sounded more like, well, I don’t know what, but definitely not a pirate. And, who doesn’t understand that you have to open the eye that isn’t wearing the eye patch?? Hmmm…maybe these two are made for each other. And another conundrum is Vienna’s tattoo, we couldn’t figure out what it was (besides ugly). Despite many slow motion replays on the DVR our best guesses were: a shark, a dolphin, a crawdad, some sort of bug, maybe a butterfly?
Off the ship there was a montage of some very cliché make out sessions on the beach with the waves hitting them. It was tough to watch. Luckily we cut to dinner, where Jake asks Vienna what kind of ring she wants. This is not a good sign for those of us rooting for Tenley. Although Jake seems more and more like an idiot, so maybe it would be better for him to choose Vienna. After the ring discussion, Vienna tells Jake she’s in love with him. Jake’s idiot response: “you’re in love with me!? Thanks for telling me that.” There was genuine surprise in his voice. He might as well have said “thanks, friend” and given her a high five but then, what’s with all the ring talk? Not surprising to anyone, I’m sure, Vienna accepts the invitation to the fantasy suite. She really wants to show Jake her elegant side, so she comes out in a slinky white slip. She’s really working for that princess cut diamond with the thin band. Ugh. I don’t even want to imagine what happened behind those closed doors.
Back at the hotel, Jake is primping himself (not wearing a watch) and he gets a very upsetting call from Ali (he answers the phone wearing a watch – that’s just bad editing right there). Ali tells Jake she wants to come back. She realized she made a terrible decision as soon as the limo drove away, but for some reason she decided to wait until he was in St. Lucia to call. Jake tells her he’s already fallen too deep for the other women. Ali cries, Jake cries, and then Jake takes a moment to open the window (we guess the room is too stuffy with all his emotions in the air), look out the window and have a moment of deep reflection.
As Jake gets ready for the rose ceremony, he looks himself over in the mirror, and debates whether or not to leave his top button undone. Doing so would probably just make it worse for the girl going home, so he buttons it back up. Smart move. Then after a pointless discussion with Chris Harrison, he watched the videos the girls prepared. Tenley is her usual sweet self. We thought Gia looked very awkward, Marisa thought she was talking like Brittany Murphy in Clueless (RIP) and Jenn thought it was more like Anna Nicole Smith (also RIP). Either way, it was weird. And Vienna was her usual unattractive self.
Finally, it’s time for the rose ceremony. The first rose goes to Tenley. The second rose goes to Vienna sausage.
Now it’s [finally] time for Gia to leave. Jake escorts her to a bench to talk. And yikes, it must have been really humid in St. Lucia, or Gia doesn’t handle stress well, because she has a serious sweat ‘stache going. And even more sweat all over the rest of her face. Despite the sweat she was a graceful loser and wished Jake luck and told him he’s got two great girls to choose from and she thinks he’s making a good decision with either of them. That was classy. However, her dress rolling down under the weight of her boobs = not so classy.
Jake returns to Tenley and Vienna for a group hug, which just seems really wrong but so has most of this episode.
Next week: the girls tell all! Think they’ll let Rozlyn tell her side of the story? We don’t think so either.
- Jennifer, Ashley, Marisa & Liz
