At the beginning of this episode we learn that there will be two 1 on 1 dates and 1 group date. Lucky lady #1 is Vienna [Sausage]. (Scan to Michelle's crazy jealous eyes.) Also, we need to note that the sight of most of these girls without makeup is frightening. Whoa, Jake, do you know what you're getting into here? You should really see what you're going to be waking up next to. Warning aside, Ashley and I thought Ali looked nice, sans makeup.
So, Jake says that Vienna is the life of the party, intense, and out of his comfort zone, not like the other girls he's dated before. Hey, Jake, enjoy this, have a little fun. hook up with some hot chicks. Vienna, though? really? hmm...okay. Well, Jake looks like he's about to throw up as he and Vienna approach their bungee jumping site. He's afraid of heights. Go figure.
Cut to the rest of the girls at the house in bikinis lounging poolside. Kudos to Kathryn who looked super cute and sassy in her hat. Let's get more of her. We have no idea what her personality is like so maybe that means she's normal and will stick around a while.
Meanwhile, Jake's being a baby and is shaking on the bridge of the date he set up for Vienna. They jump. They kiss whilst upside down. Hmmm....cute? After their daredevil date they're having wine and talking and Vienna Sausage's hair is all screwy...doesn't The Bachelor production crew provide mirrors to these women? goodness. Vienna and Jake do a little ching, ching....awkward/dramatic pause....kiss...more awkwardness.
While Vienna is looking a little manly, it seems that all they are talking about is that stupid bridge and how scary and life changing it was to jump together. we get it. We're hoping more is going on off camera because if not, wow, really disappointing. Jake says there is an emotional connection. Huh? We missed that part. Meanwhile, Vienna Sausage is "on cloud Jake right now."
Cut to the rest of the girls at the house finding out that the following girls are on the group date: Corrie, Elizabeth, Ali, Tenley, Ashleigh, Jessie, Kathryn, and Michelle. Their clue is "love is no laughing matter." It's maybe the most quippy party of the show. We know what's coming on the group date, but the girls have no idea that Vienna is coming home. They're all very shocked when she does.
So, the group date. Ali looks cute - we still like her. Michelle is still psycho but she looks cute too. Jon Lovitz is the stand up comedian that is helping them prep their comedy acts for the night. How embarrassing. I'm pouring another glass of wine in empathy for them. Elizabeth and Ashleigh are freaking out. We don't blame them. Not really a cool date. Ali is first, she's not very memorable. Elizabeth goes and Jake says that she goes from "no kissing to totally raunchy on stage." (that's what they call Chinese Head Mind Games, Mr. Bachelor.) Michelle's got that crazy look in her eyes again. We don't think it really goes away. ever. Ali is wearing yellow again. What is up with that? Ashleigh is avoiding going on stage - she's really nervous, we get it, but she's also crying in a weird emotional way for being the funny girl on the show that's scared to go on stage. The girls get on stage to do their stand up and Ashley and I agree that we would've been pissed to have paid money to see that show. Corrie makes fun of all the other girls in the house - kudos to her. Ashleigh tells blonde jokes. Making fun of yourself is always admirable.
Memorable quotes from the night:
"I really don't think she [Michelle, the psycho] needs a husband, I think she needs a therapist first." - Elizabeth, the Nanny. Word.
"The hard thing about dating so many women...blah blah blah..." - Jake, The Bachelor. We don't empathize, dude, you signed yourself up for this. Don't complain.
"Everyone in my family says it's my turn." - Michelle, the psycho
"Certain people felt I was THE girl." - Michelle, the psycho
"I came here to find love and a husband...I really, really want a husband." - Michelle, the psycho. (quickly followed by Jake who said "I believe you.")
We were pretty sure Michelle was going home tonight. Their kiss scene was embarrassing. Totally a Consolation Kiss. embarrassing. Then, following the horrible kiss with her mouth totally open and Jake's completely closed, she says "I can't stay" then Jake says "I almost wish this night would end." and then makes Jake tell her she should go. Good riddance, crazy lady.
Meanwhile, Tenley finally tells Jake about being divorced (no mention of the pregnancy teaser we saw in commercials) - he's cool with it, and in fact likes her more for going through it. They followed that heavy convo with a pretty hot & heavy kiss.
Ashley and I are liking Ashleigh at this point but she seems honest and genuine and those girls never win. Sorry. Vienna is writing Jake a note in the house at this point crying because no one likes her. boo hoo. Jake reaffirms his feelings for Ali and Ali's infamous hair clip makes another reappearance. ugh.
Ella gets the second 1 on 1 date. They take off on a helicopter (Jake really loves the helicopters, apparently) to Sea World where Jake surprises Ella as they are joined by her son, Ethan. Seems like a repeat of the last Bachelor with Jason, Single Dad and his son and we're supposed to love that Jake and Ethan have an instant bond over paper airplanes. Ella is pretty and we still can't figure out why she seems so much older than 29... P.S. Word on the street is that producers scheduled this date and son surprise for Rozlyn and her 7 year old son...haha. We think Jake likes Ethan more than Ella. Ella gets the rose despite being a hairdresser that doesn't have nice hair on television. They have a mediocre kiss.
Ashley's insight: maybe the dates should be less extravagant like picking up trash or taking care of Jake while he's throwing up or doing his dirty laundry. That's real love. She also wants a nice brown leather jacket like Ella's. That's really all that came out of this episode. It wasn't so great.
At the rose ceremony Ali is finally in a new color (not yellow) - a pretty coral dress with a cute flower in her hair. She confronts Vienna, yadda yadda...no one likes you. Elizabeth makes Jake feel like she's the queen of mixed signals. Really, why come on the Bachelor if you're not even gonna kiss the guy? stupid. Jake profoundly says "I know she wants to kiss me, but she won't let me, but she likes to tease me about how she wants me to." And then Vienna Sausage interrupts Elizabeth and Jake as they're talking about what a tease she is. Elizabeth is upset because Vienna Sausage already has a rose. True story, but then again everyone else in the house hates her. Elizabeth claims that she is "not just vanilla, I am all the colors of the rainbow." Elizabeth begs to stick around but she should go. She's not fun. And she's a Nanny. and that's it.
Ashley and I also notice no name "Tits McGee" - we have no idea who she is because clearly she's received no air time, but her boobs are quite out there at the cocktail party in her black dress. Who are you? After the rose ceremony we come to find that her name is Valishia (did we know that?). Wow, for not a lot of air time, she's really really sad. Pity party, table of 1, your party is ready.
In the rose ceremony, Elizabeth also gets the boot. We learn that this pilot doesn't like the Chinese Head Mind Games that Elizabeth is playing. She shoulda just kissed him to get it over with. Then she would've really known.
Here's who is sticking around for more:
Gia (surprising) - she's the only "ethnic" one left - apparently the show's getting a lot of flack for that.
Corrie - she has a horsey face but Jenn likes her
Tenley - divorcee, also pregnant?
Ali - they call her mellow yellow and forever cursed by the hair clip.
Jessie - she's looking better than before but doesn't get air time. normal or not sticking around?
Kathryn - hmmm...
Ashleigh - we like her.
Jake profoundly states that he's "trying to get his bearings" - we would've appreciated him saying he was "trying to find his horizon" to match the theme of the show. The episode was full of awkwardness - Jennifer drank a lot of wine to cope with the embarrassment and awkwardness. What was the worst part for you? Who are your picks for the final four?
In the previews for next week we see that Ali is bringing back the yellow attire. Apparently she means business! Stay tuned until then!
- Jennifer & Ashley
