Guest bloggers: Jenn, Ashley, & Marisa on The Bachelor: The Finale

Our guesses:
Jenn – neither, or Vienna
Ashley – Vienna
Marisa – uh…I don’t know…Vienna!

Intro to Jake walking on the beach in his linen pants and vneck shirt… Jenn thinks he looks like Tarzan.

Jake’s family is on the island getting ready to meet the two girls. His family looks like a nice bunch, then Dad hugs Jake and Dad starts crying. Ah, this is where Jake gets it from. Jake explains to his family that he’s in love with two girls and he’s not at all worried about his family liking Tenley. Jake then warns his family about Vienna and he’s getting pretty defensive but tries to lighten it up by saying that Vienna is “drop dead gorgeous.” Ugh. Really?

Immediately Jake’s mom asks if Vienna was the girl in the house that everyone hated. Jake has to confess that yes, he chose the girl that no one [in America] likes to make it to the final two. And we watch as Jake’s mom puts her "not with my son, you won't" game face on.

Tenley brings flowers for Jake’s mom (very classy) and she’s immediately greeted by reciprocally warm smiles and hugs from all around the room. When Tenley starts explaining why she loves Jake - his character, morals, how he looks up to his parents’ marriage - Jake’s dad becomes quite tearful, thus starting the flow of Tenley’s tears and Jake’s dad tells Tenley that she’s going to fit right in.

Tenley talks to Jake’s dad and he’s got the face of steel on trying not to cry…he’s holding it… but then there’s a chin quiver…and then they hug and break down. Tenley and Jake’s mom share a few bonding moments out on the patio, including a conversation about Tenley’s previous marriage experience. You can tell that they really like each other and would get along great. The sisters-in-law approve too.

Jake tells his mom that he worries that Tenley isn’t familiar with his goofy, prankster, I-grew-up-with-brothers side and Jake’s mom gives the obvious advice: you need to tell her. So, as Jake and Tenley are talking he says that they should be in the pool and off they run to take the plunge, clothes on and all. So, hey, see, Tenley gets your goofy, not-at-all-planned-by-prod

ucers spontaneity too.

Jake’s dad is standing pool-side with tears in his eyes as he watches what could soon be his whole family frolicking in the pool with their clothes on.

Now it’s Vienna’s turn to meet the family and we see her walking up the entryway with a huge fruit basket. Marisa notes that “the fruit basket is tacky and inappropriate, just like Vienna.”

Vienna is obviously not clicking with the fam like Tenley. Without prompt, she offers how much all the girls hated her and as a defense says that the reason they didn’t like her is probably because she’s brutally honest. So, out of intrigue, one of the sisters-in-law asks “Am I pretty?” Vienna’s answer: a knee-jerk “Yes”. Sister: “Do I look fat in this?” Vienna: “Kinda... haha...just KIDDING!” HAHA. That was the best part of the whole episode right there.

Jake’s mom tries to warn him but then she comes around and actually apologizes to Vienna and to Jake for judging her so quickly. The sisters-in-law also come around and Laura (usually not the crier, says Jake) also tearfully apologizes for judging her soon-to-be sister-in-law. They point out quite obviously that Vienna and Tenley are like night and day. Vienna agrees and tells them Tenley’s sweet but has none of her own opinions, further explaining that she teases and challenges Jake. At the very least, they admit that it’s obvious that Vienna is crazy about Jake. But wait, Vienna never brought up her own 3-week sham of a marriage. Plus, Dad didn’t cry. FAIL!

On their last chance date, Vienna and Jake go to a sulphur spring to muddy up and play in the water. Looked kinda fun. We’re all in conclusion that Jake doesn’t want a wife, he’s just getting a free $45,000 ring that will ensure he gets to fool around with a 23 year old for a while. Later in the show, Jake asks Vienna, “What’s it like being married for 3 weeks?” like maybe that’s as long as he’s planning on being married to her?? haha. what a question, romeo.

Vienna is putting together her last-chance-to-win-his-heart gift and we notice that the pink stone in her ring that she’s giving him is no longer actually in the ring. Haha…she’s giving him the ring without the stone in it or what? Maybe she lost it while they were slathering sulfur all over each other. As her present to Jake, Vienna puts the ring setting around a letter saying that she wants him to have her “don’t elope again” ring. Bahaha!

Next it’s onto a really awkward quiet date with Tenley on a boat to go snorkeling. Sure, the snorkeling looks romantic, but it’s not like you can talk. Cuddling and kissing on the boat, much to her surprise Jake tells Tenley they have no physical chemistry. She disagrees and then asks him to distinguish physical chemistry from sexual chemistry from passion. Lady, all of it – he’s not feeling any of it. Jake tries to break it to her gently saying he feels like it is building slowly and Tenley seems content with this, suggesting that’s how it should be. Jenn predicts that we’ve just witnessed the break up right there. Queue the break up music as he goes to her room later that evening. Jake says he didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. Tenley gives Jake a shadowbox collage of their pictures, fortunes, and other things from their time together. Ashley wonders what he’ll do with that once he picks Vienna. Jake says “I love Tenley.” Marisa hears “I love lamp.”

Now it’s decision day. Jake sits pensively by the pool with his legs in the water. We’re wishing for a better bachelor at this point but then we see Vienna drawing hearts in the sand and we’re pretty convinced that they’re perfect for one another.

A knock on the door and in strolls Neil Lane with a briefcase full of rings. Because Jake at this point claims he cannot make up his mind between the two women, Neil, being the generous man he is, allows Jake to keep two rings – his pick for Tenley and his pick for Vienna. We’re all kind of appalled. If he’s this torn between the two women, it would be pretty sucky to be the one picked or the one going home, knowing he only loved you a little more or a little less. Dude, at this point, just tell both girls you want to keep seeing them after the show to see which where it goes. That’s the best solution here. Totally not gonna happen, though.

We marvel at the perfectness that are Tenley’s curls and, again, when we see Vienna all dolled up and actually think she looks good for the first time. Vienna must have had professional help getting ready because she actually looks kind of pretty.

We wait anxiously to see which helicopter lands first because that’s the lucky loser that isn’t going home with Jake. Jake’s a mess as he prepares to dump Tenley. He’s taking it worse than Tenley, who is understandably sad but gives quite the hopeful “I’m grateful for you” speech. Jake makes it worse by saying on the stairs “I’m never going to forget you.” Blah. Cry. Blah blah blah.

So, clearly it’s Vienna. He’s already told his family he’s determined to get engaged today. All we can think about is how gross Vienna’s roots are looking. Can’t get your hair did before you might possibly be getting engaged? Jake tells Vienna he’s never met anyone like her. And we’re almost fooled into thinking he might be breaking up with her when he says “…but I need to give you something back” and puts the pink ring her father gave her back into her hand, dramatically closing her fingers around it, then explaining he didn’t quite understand it’s meaning (how hard is it to understand that her dad didn’t want her chasing after pretty shiny rings and going off and eloping so he bought her a big pink bauble to prove that a man in her life does love her?) and now he understands. We guess that the Bachelor crew must have asked Neil Lane to fix the broken ring – seriously, no explanation there? But then, Jake pulls out the engagement ring and gets down on one knee and proposes and Vienna says yes. We would too if presented with that pretty sparkler and didn’t actually ever have to marry the guy. Vienna is so happy that she does a little leg kick trying to be romantic while kissing.

We’re really disappointed in all of it but we’re optimistic that maybe Jake and Vienna have split since the proposal and that they’ll announce that it hasn’t worked out during the After the Rose ceremony. But first, Jake gets to see Tenley again and they rehash everything. Jake tells Tenley she has a friend for life. Jake loves pulling out those friend cards. Tenley laughs a little laugh like “okay, sure thing, buddy.”

Chris Harrison made a funny and called out former lame-o Bachelor Jason Mesnick by telling Jake that he was a 3-4 on the 0 to Meznick scale of crying. Hahaha! Oh, Chris, that was your best line all season!

Vienna comes out to cheers in the crowd. Ugh, really? (Also, I think that they must do this taping right after the Girls Tell All because we see familiar faces in the crowd). We’re immediately wondering if Vienna’s had some work done because she looks much better. Maybe it’s just that she got her roots dyed and had some professional makeup applied?

They’re so happy, yadda yadda…no marriage plans yet…Vienna’s moving to Dallas to be with Jake so they can have some normalcy in their life and see how it goes. Ugh, her ring is so freakin' pretty. Oh, wait, there’s more! It’s him - Jeffrey Osborne…him who, you ask? Oh, that guy, ya know, the singer of “On the Wings of Love” ...and the lovebirds dance while Jeffrey sings them his awful, awful song.

After a whole season of drinking through the awkwardness, we’re almost completely fed up with watching this show so as we’re hoping to turn it off immediately, we have to keep watching so we can get confirmation that it is America’s new sweetheart, Ali, (no surprise there) that will be the next Bachelorette. Looks like she was able to negotiate a little bit with Facebook (her employer) to get time off for the publicity stunt. We were really hoping for a fresh face on this, but hey, at least we know that Ali’s messy hair, emotional crying fits and sobs, and love of yellow will give us plenty to talk about next season. She says she likes quirky guys, so we’re sure they’ll also choose a lot of real winners for us to make fun of and affectionately name.

Were you surprised at Jake’s final choice of Vienna Sausage? Do you think they’ll last?

What do you think about Ali being the next Bachelorette?

Stay tuned for next week’s recap of The Bachelor: Jason & Molly’s wedding!