Guest Blogger: The Bachelor a la Jennifer

It's the hometown dates this week, friends, and I have to start out by saying I was expecting more. Looking forward to your comments and input but here's the recap:

The "I'm on a boat" episode (okay, there were only two, but still) starts in New York for Gia. Gia shows Jake the NY sights and they take some really cute photos. Doesn't seem like anything deep is really going on and it's confirmed that Jake has been too busy staring at Gia to remember anything else about her when he says that he doesn't know anything about her past relationships. Gia says she dated a really bad guy and he did really bad things. This is the same story we heard when they were on their one-on-one "roughing it" at the winery. This is now episode 6 and we know nothing new.

Last week's preview gave us a glimpse of the gem that is Gia's mom but the best clip of her was actually in the end credits when she asks to read cards for Jake. She babbles about what they mean and she asks "did that answer your question or what you were thinking?" Jake flatly says, "No." haha. total fail, lady. Cut back to Gia's brother who looks like a cross between a backstreet boy and Steve (miranda's husband from Sex & the City). Gia's mom gives her the "you're special" speech. The best part of this date segment is Gia's monologue about not expecting Jake to be in love with her right now. I liked that she had a realistic perspective but it doesn't make for great tv. Gia is feeling reassured at the end of their date because her family tells her that Jake really likes her. Of course they're gonna tell you that, honey, they're your family. oh, and you are special. Gia says she's falling in love with Jake.

Ali's hometown date is in Williamstown, MA. Jake starts off saying what I was thinking - Ali is a little bit ahead of the other girls because she's already been able to show him her life in San Fran. Jake says he missed Ali and he seems sincere. They do a cute wishing on leaves thing and they look like they're having fun together - Ali says "everything is fun and a friendship but we wanna kiss and be romantic too." (In case you were wondering, yes, she does have another claw clip in her hair, but she's learning how to wear it better). Ali talks about her grandmother and how much she meant to her so she takes Jake to her grandmother's house, which is a little creepy/cute. We meet Ali's mom, sister and brother and Ali's mom says she looks the happiest she's been in a long time and gives her blessing to Jake. Seems a little early for that but maybe there was a conversation we didn't see? Mom's confident and says "yes, she'll have a ring on her finger," which Ali then later affirms with Jake telling him that if he asked her today she'd say yes. They do some serious kissing and Ali says she's falling in love with Jake.

Next Jake visits Tenley in Oregon. Jake says that his and Tenley's values are aligned and he missed her a lot. Tenley of course looks darling and they head to a dance studio so that Tenley can show Jake her passion - she's choreographed a dance to show him something that her ex-husband never appreciated. Jake presses play and Tenley starts to dance and oh, wait, is that wedding music??? haha. Tenley's house is super cute and it finally feels like the show is gonna get good because her family seems normal and he really has something to prove here because of Tenley's past. It's all going really well and so well even that Jake asks Tenley's dad if he has permission to marry his daughter. Her dad says that he could give his blessing to a guy like Jake and they have a good talk. It seemed perhaps like it was a hypothetical conversation meant to sound like authentic intentions with some good editing. we'll see. Like Gia earlier, Tenley gives a nice little monologue that made me like her more when she explained that she's taking this seriously. She said, "I don't want to just say I love Jake because of just how fun that would be and how incredible it would be and what a fun story we would have here but i can honestly say that my heart feels safe. I'm falling for Jake. Definitely falling in love with Jake."

Lastly, we hear that Jake has been excited to see Vienna all week. Woof. (that was for you, Ash) Vienna talks about loving nature and being outside and i don't believe her for a second. She sets up a boat for the two of them to go down the river, which looks a lot like the jungle cruise. Jake looked super hot driving that boat. In contrast, Vienna Sausage's family looks like a hot mess. Vienna's dad tries to intimidate Jake,at which he's pretty successful with the crazy eyes and all. Mr. Sausage gives Jake the "my daughter's a princess" speech - we believe him. Is it just me or is their relationship a little too over the top? okay, a lot over the top. Jake says he's falling hard for Vienna. Woof. Jake looks pretty uncomfortable during most of his time with the Sausage family but he keeps talking about Vienna's honesty and how drawn he is to her. The only interesting/funny part of this segment for me is when we find out that the pink bauble ring Vienna wears is from her dad. It's her "don't go off and elope again ring." hahahahahaha. Then it's back to awkwardness when Mr. Sausage walks in on them making out on the bed. Welcome to high school. Dad says "I'll just wait for you outside the door." he's serious. it's gross.

One thing all the dates had in common: all four girls are falling in love with Jake. surprise!

Jake's wading through his emotions in his hotel room when there's a knock on the door. It's Ali. She's crying. we know where this is going. She has to decide between staying with Jake and going back to work. (Hey, didn't this work for Ed last season? must be the same writers.) It seems like Ali's just hoping Jake will tell her that he's in love with her and he wants her to stay so that she gets some guarantee. Maybe she senses that she's "losing" to Vienna and wants to fight dirty with head mind games? She tells Jake she'll decide by the rose ceremony, leaves the hotel room and falls to the floor in the hotel hallway. I think secretly hoping Jake will come out, see her crying pathetically and console her. very sad.

Now it's the rose ceremony and Ali is the first to arrive. Her dress is not up to par. It looks comfy. Like maybe she'll be wearing it on a plane soon. it also doesn't fit well (jessie, was there another wardrobe malfunction? this dress looked prime for it). Gia's red lips are back and Andrea Wagner confirmed what I've thought since they made their first appearance: Joker. Tenley looks radiant in emerald green and Vienna looks like she's going to a club with the cast of Jersey Shore and her mom. Ali tells Chris H. she needs to talk and he escorts her up to Jake. She's getting permanent frown lines on her face (not attractive) from all the furrowed brows and pouty faces, and her hair is a mess. She made a good choice getting her nails done because her fingers got a lot of air time whilst she was pulling her hair out. She tells Jake she loves him. They make out. She's sobbing when Chris comes back in. She says she needs more time and then tells Jake she needs to go. Jake reassures her that she wasn't on the chopping block. Ali continues to apologize all the way home.

So, no rose ceremony tonight. We know there's someone in this group that Jake doesn't want. my guess is Gia but i think he's still pretty stoked he'll get to sleep with her in St. Lucia.

My observation of the night: It seems that Jake isn't looking forthe girl but just a good one that'll do. agree? disagree?

In the previews for next week we hear Ali on the phone calling Jake in his hotel room. Do you think she's really pulling an Ed and coming back? How do you think Tenley will take the intimate "fantasy suite" in next week's episode? Who are your final two?

- Jennifer Steinhart