Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The Bachelor: Episode 4 Recap a la Ashley & Jenn

Chris Harrison announced at the beginning of the show that there will be 3 dates: a 1 on 1, a group date, and a 2 on 1. But, first, here comes 2 giant RVs to take the girls up the coast of California – and we could have sworn he said to say goodbye to the house FOREVER. Dramatic. In the first RV is Kathryn, Ella, Ali, Tenley, and Jesse. The 2nd RV is now home to Vienna, Ashleigh, Corrie and Gia. And out in front is Jake, who, according to Steve Shewey looked a lot like Jim Carrey on his Dumb and Dumber scooter. Not quite the studly-looking bachelor we’ve all come to know and love.

Everyone arrives at a wine vineyard in Santa Rosa to “rough it.” Not that we know much about roughing it, but I assume “roughing it” doesn’t include RVs that are nicer than my apartment. (Also, please note the proper usage of air quotes for future reference.)

The one on one date is with Gia, the swimsuit model from New York. Vienna is quick to point out that Gia is a city girl and not at all what Jake is looking for, but only the date will tell. Before we get to the date, let's first cut to Jake shaving in front of his tent with practically a straight blade and a tiny little mirror, oh, and of course his shirt unbuttoned. It just wouldn’t be The Bachelor without gratuitous bare chest scenes. Alright, back to Gia, true to her city girl ways she donned what appeared to be a pair of Christian Louboutin stilettos. It seems a little ridiculous considering her surroundings, but it works out in her favor later when Jake has to give her a piggy back ride to their campfire. Smart. After talking about wanting to have two kids and adopt a baby girl from China, then what losers they were in high school, and an awkward couple of kisses during two-man spin the bottle, Jake gives her the rose.

The next date is the group date with Jesse, Ashleigh, Tenley, Ali, Vienna (sausage), and Corrie, which leaves Ella and Kathryn for the 2 on 1 date. The group date is in Pismo Beach, where it’s legal to ride your motorcycle on the beach. That shot of Jake riding on the beach with his hair in the wind = very Top Gun like.

Vienna is not excited to be on a “group date” <-- those were her air quotes, not ours. If you’re saying something literal you don’t need air quotes, write that down. Hopefully, she was just channeling her inner Joey Tribiani from Friends with his famous “I’m sorry” to Ross. Speaking of Joey, we also think Jesse (“ie” or just “e”? She doesn’t get enough air time for us to know or care) looks like she could be one of Joey Tribiani’s sisters. Despite Vienna’s lack of enthusiasm for her “group date,” she and all the girls go in dune buggies with Jake. And when Vienna’s dune buggy gets stuck in the sand, Jake comes to rescue the damsels in distress and lifts the dune buggy with ease. Next was sand boarding where Jake said he was having an awesome time with Tenley. It looks like my pick is still going strong. Side note: Jake sure does reference how much he likes the girls getting dirty.

After the beach they went to the Madonna Inn, which Jenn and I immediately recognized from a Girls Next Door episode. Everyone seems enchanted with that place. But we can’t think of anything tackier. At the inn Jake spends some one on one time with Ashleigh. And cue our first truly awkward moment of the night. It’s clear that Jake and Ashleigh have absolutely no chemistry and nothing to talk about. So Ashleigh resorts to the one thing she’s got going for her: sex appeal. When all else fails, just wrap your legs around a guy and give him some good come hither stares. That should work, right? We’ll see…Jake asks Vienna for one on one time next, but she declines because she wants to be the last one with one on one time. Wow, welcome to the Vienna Show. Everyone gets some alone time with Jake but Jesse. Or, if she did, they didn’t show it. It’s surprising she’s even made it this far. Jenn swears Jesse looks like someone, but can’t quite place her (aside from her resemblance to the Tribiani sisters). As for me, I would say her doppelganger is the girl mouse from Fievel Goes West. At the end of the night, my favorite, Tenley, gets the rose.

Now it’s time for the 2 on 1 date with Ella and Kathryn. Something about Kathryn’s face is annoying and Jenn agreed saying she “looked like death.” So true…On the date Jake gets some alone time with Ella and starts giving hints to Ella that he doesn’t want to take her away from her kid. But she’s not picking up what he’s laying down because she just tells him that it’s not a problem, whilst stroking his arm with her super creepy long fingers.

When Jake gets alone time with Kathryn she shines the light in his eyes and begins the interrogation by asking him why he doesn’t pay attention to her. Isn’t that an argument for married couples? You don’t want to bring that kind of nagging out on your first alone time with a guy.

In a not so shocking move, Jake gives neither girl the rose. I guess he wasn’t ready to be a baby daddy to Ella’s kid. And Kathryn, well, she was just too forgetful. But Ella is nice enough to wish Jake the best, saying she hopes he doesn’t crash and burn in his decision…we think she meant crash and burn on the runway of love. Oh Ella, Ella, Ella, A. And Jenn’s psychic ability to foresee the future was able to predict the dramatic scene ending: Jake’s slow but thoughtful walk to throw the unused rose in the fire.

And finally, the rose ceremony. Ali is ever so recognizable in yet another yellow dress, no clip this time though. It’s a slight improvement but still, it’s like she’s hoping that if she wears the same color he won’t forget her name or something. Gia looks like a clown with her crazy red lipstick and super wide smile. Corrie gets some alone time with Jake and they talk about opening up more with each other. They don’t actually open up, they just talk about it. Jesse takes Jake aside and gives him a close up of her electric green eyeshadow (circa 1988) and tells him how bad Vienna (sausage) is for him. He thanks her for being a good friend…ouch. She’s gone for sure.

Nothing surprising during the rose ceremony until, with 2 roses left, Jake leaves the room with tears in his eyes. He seeks out his BFF Chris Harrison to ask his advice about the 3 girls left. He knows he’s not in love with 2 of them, so he asks Chris to take a rose away. I think Jake was surprised that Chris would call him out on it and say to the girls “Jake wanted me to do this.” Come on, Chris, you’re supposed to be the crutch and take the fall so our Bachelor is the hero. Oh well. Chris leaves Jake with 1 rose, which goes to Vienna. The other girls are not happy about his choice. And Ashleigh is pretty wrecked about being dumped over Vienna - I guess that sex appeal doesn’t always work, after all. Bummer.

We feel like this season has gone really fast already and we don’t know any of the girls or see any real connection. What do you think?

- Ashley & Jennifer

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