The Bachelor: Episode 2 Recap a la Ashley & Jenn

hold tight, friends, there was a lot to make fun of in this episode!

The Bachelor drama continued last night in all of it’s cheesy glory. The girls invited on the first group date were Christina (who Ashley think looks like Winona Ryder), Rozlyn, Corrie, Gia, Ashleigh and another brunette girl who had absolutely no camera time and therefore was not important enough for us to remember her name. The fun date? A photoshoot for InStyle. Unfortunately for Christina, she wasn’t feeling the love of the camera. In fact, she would have preferred to be taking a math test…sad…but her monologue was pretty witty and fun so we thought there was some hope for her. Rozlyn, however, was so comfortable during the photo shoot that she lifted her leg up and bared her hoo ha (a sign of things to come apparently…).

How incredibly uninventive to invite the two girls in the house that are pro models to go on a date where they’re featured in a photoshoot spread for InStyle. “uh, so I guess you’ve done this before, huh?” compelling television.

After the photo shoot, the party moved to the very cliché Jacuzzi. A little surprised to see it so quickly in the season but hey, is there any reality show that doesn’t have a Jacuzzi party? Ashleigh was the first to make the move into the water with Jake and all the other girls soon followed. Christina then took Jake aside for some one-on-one time, where she proceeded to make completely incoherent statements and giggle about how much she liked him. Unfortunately, Jake wasn’t a fan of tipsy Christina. Drunk girls in bikinis, man, enjoy it! Poor thing, I’m pretty sure she knew she had sealed her own fate, so she went to take another shot. Then Rozlyn stole Jake away to the roof where she put on her game face and aggressively made the move to make out with Jake. And by game face, we mean some very psycho eyes that Jennifer likened to the villain in a Lifetime movie. We guess Jake likes Lifetime movies because he gave her the rose.

Meanwhile back at the Bachelor pad, the rest of the ladies received a letter at the door along with a diamond necklace. Crazy Michelle decided she wanted to wear it, thinking that the first person to put it on would get the first date…wah wah wah...another one of her hallucinations. Luckily she had taken her Prozac that day because when they announced the first date was with Ali, she didn’t have an episode. Well, at least not on camera…yet.

The first one-on-one date with Jenn’s pick, Ali, makes her really seem like a front runner. Very sweet. Jake decided to help her conquer her fear of flying by taking her out on a private plane. Jenn received a text message from Heidi Cramer re: Jake's pre-flight check. Swoon. That swoon was quickly interrupted as they ascended into the air with the song “On the Wings of Love” playing…ugh. In Ali’s profound words, we both had to “throw up in my stomach.” At dinner Jake gave her the rose, despite the unsightly claw clip in her hair that we took offense to…seriously, you’re wearing an insanely gorgeous diamond necklace and you can’t even get a hair clip with rhinestones? After dinner they ran to a private concert by Chicago and danced the night away. That “throw up in my stomach” feeling came back quickly as the song “You’re the Inspiration” was played. Jenn received a text message at that moment from Steve Shewey who wisely noted that they might as well just call the show ‘Cheesy Songs and Cheating Sluts.’ word.

Back at the house it was time for another date card. The lucky ladies were: Vienna Sausage, Elizabeth the Nanny, Kathryn, Jessie, Ashley (who is in desperate need of some Crest whitestrips) and another girl, who like before, was not important enough to remember. They went to Six Flags Magic Mountain. At the park, Elizabeth bared her soul in a letter to Jake just like a 12-year-old girl and proceeded to read it aloud to him. She fancies herself a writer, that nanny. She basically told Jake that she’s not going to let him kiss her until she’s the only one left…it sounds like more a punishment for her than Jake in my opinion (man, he's pretty) and if I were him I would've sent her packing right then and there. Who signs up to go on a dating show and refuses to kiss? Really. But, apparently Jake loves the crazies and gave her the rose. During their private fireworks show she brought out the female mind games and asked Jake if he wanted to kiss her…it kind of takes the romance out of it if you have to ask, plus you’re not going to let him so why be a tease?

Apparently everyone has something to reveal to Jake in this episode. Vienna dropped her bomb on him, telling him she was engaged to her pastor’s son at 17, broke that off, eloped with a stranger, and was divorced 4 months later. We barely got to see Jake’s reaction before he was stolen away by another girl. We’ll have to stand by for more details on that. Tenley chickened out during the perfect opening to tell him she’s divorced too. Everyone’s got baggage on this flight.

In yet another crazy act by Michelle, as she’s at home without any date time with Jake, she decides to pack and leave the show. Which is very surprising because she was so previously obsessed with him. Silly us, it was just an act of desperation before her meds kicked in. She ended up staying and getting some time with Jake at the cocktail party.

And now to the scandal. I was a little disappointed by this, but maybe because it’s been all over the media all week. During the cocktail hour, Chris Harrison pulls Rozlyn aside and looks like he’s going to crack a smile and laugh hysterically at the stupidity of it all. He keeps cool though, and tells Rozlyn she needs to go pack her bags due to her “entering into an inappropriate relationship with a staffer.” Yadda yadda, the staffer’s been fired, this has never happened before in the history of the show…blah blah. The only time you ever hear that she hooked up with someone on the crew was in speculation from the other girls, but hey, it’s a competition, right? And, a not-so-reality show that needs ratings…we get it. As a not-so-fit security man escorts Rozlyn upstairs to pack her makeup products and ball gowns, Chris breaks the news to Jake, who is obviously very disappointed. It’s hard to tell if he’s really disappointed – he got a pretty steamy makeout sesh out of it and so there was probably just the disappointment of not getting more before she got the boot. I have a hard time believing that he was really heartbroken. After all, it’s like what, the second day he’s known the girl? But we saw her in the bikini. We get it.

So, Jake asks for his rose back which is unfortunate because it probably would have sent crazy Michelle packing, but with this scandal already over in episode 2, we need some of the crazies around to keep the show entertaining. And so it continues...

This episode was a build up to that scandal so we don't see much changing in our picks. Next week should be more telling.

There was a lot to make fun of this episode and we'd love to know what made you cringe and laugh. What did you think of the scandal? Who are your front runners?

- Ashley & Jennifer