Guest Bloggers: The Bachelor: Molly & Jason's Wedding Recap a la Brittany & Jenn

Welcome to the beautiful [but practically always deserted] Terranea Resort in Rancho Palos Verdes.

The 2-hour special begins with Molly and Jason discussing how they "really took [their] time to get to know one another" in the whole year that they were dating (including reality television and a 10 month long distance relationship). Molly says it was a really smooth transition, despite all the horrible things the media and everyone else in America was saying about them. Brittany and I fully understand at this point that the beginning part of this show is to win America over so that we'll laugh and cry and fall in love with their wedding.

Speaking of smooth transitions, Jason explains, "I haven't lived with a woman since I was married. I forgot how much stuff people have." and cut to Molly adding more clothes to an already sagging closet rack, Molly and Jason arranging throw pillows on the bed, and Molly proving she’s made strides in Jason’s life by adding a ladylike touch – flowers in a vase instead of a pitcher.

Meanwhile, Chris Harrison is narrating what bad weather it is and everyone in the background is tarping the furniture. Brittany and I wonder why they haven’t tented the area yet or why they aren’t moving the ceremony inside. But no, this wedding will happen come rain or shine, says Chris.

Molly gives a nice little speech about her man, Jason, and how amazing he is and everything horrible they’ve endured. We almost do give in to liking him again until minute 16 of the show when Jason sheds his first but by no means his last tears of the show.

Chris says we’re gonna catch up with other Bachelor couples thinking about taking a trip down the aisle:

Jake & Vienna – they’re happy and goofing around together. Jake says things couldn’t be better and that “right now we’re just having so much fun lovin’ on each other.” Vienna’s hair looks much better, by the way.

Jillian & Ed – say their relationship is very stable. Jillian moved to Chicago and they got a new place and have started planning a wedding but have not set a date, which I can imagine means that they tell everyone they’re getting married and look at wedding stuff, but with no real date set it seems a little far off that they’re actually planning. (or hey, maybe they just don’t want to broadcast it to America – I’ll give them that.)

Charlie & Sarah – this lovable couple is from season 7. We learn that after dating for 2 years, they broke up for a year and then got back together. Brittany and I like them a lot. She’s cute and Charlie O’Connell is so congenial. This was the best segment of the whole show (minus the whole wedding thing):

Charlie: “We’re looking at houses, uh, thinking about movin’ in together.”
Sarah: “I don’t want to live together though, until we’re married.”
Charlie: (nods) “So…we’re lookin’ at houses.”
Sarah: “So whenever I have a ring, we’ll buy one.”
Charlie & Sarah: (smile)

Brittany and I were cracking up. So funny.

Trista & Ryan – Trista recaps us on the fairytale that is their life. They’ve got two kids, Ryan is a dreamboat and Trista looked better blond, without the bangs.

So, with Jason & Molly included that’s 5 successful Bachelor couples – not a great ratio.

Next it’s on to wedding planning. Brittany and I were wondering if they were going to talk at all about the engagement. I had to Google that they got engaged in November. Anyway, the couple heads to Neil Lane to pick out wedding bands. Ugh, so jealous. We meet their wedding coordinator, Jo Gartin, who takes them cake tasting and lays out invitations already prepared for them so they know what they’ll look like and just have to point to their choice. You know, like most brides get to do it. Their event designer sets up a crazy elaborate room full of trees and fresh flowers and Brittany and I sincerely hope someone is having a dinner party in there later or else it’s a total waste. Next, the couple heads to Macy’s to register for gifts.

Jason scans Molly’s face and Molly says “are you registering for me?” to which he cutely replies “yes, I’ll take one please.”

For their final piece of wedding planning (I say this quite loosely because we all know they didn’t plan a gosh darn thing), Molly and her sister and mother head to Monique Lhuillier to try on wedding gowns.

Now it’s back to Chris Harrison who reminds us again that this wedding is going to happen “rain or shine” – it’s the 10th time we’ve heard it and we’re going to stop keeping track. Really, where’s the tent at this point??

Moving on now to Vegas, where Molly & Jason are holding their bachelor and bachelorette parties on the same weekend. “This is actually a great break from all the wedding planning.” REALLY?? The whole two weeks of pointing to things you like that ABC has already agreed to pay for is really stressing you out, huh? Molly is not so sexy trying to learn how to strut her stuff seductively. Not attractive. Brittany and I are laughing out loud when in another suite in Vegas, one of Jason’s friends toasts to the groom: “Of all the women Jason has proposed to, I think Molly’s the best.” And hey, nice jacket, buddy. We don’t know which club the girls were at but Molly says it was “the best club in all of Vegas,” followed quickly by Jason boasting that they’re at The Bank, “the best club in Vegas.” You’re both special. Before commercial Molly and Jason meet in front of the Bellagio water show and dance. Awww..

And we’re back from commercial and it’s all falling trees and trellises but Chris is there to reassure us yet again that this wedding is on “rain or shine” in case you were beginning to doubt it. Then Chris Harrison’s umbrella gets sucked inside out by the wind and we laugh.

Next, Macy’s threw in a super cheesy, horrible and inauthentic plug for their new outfit putter together program. AWFUL! Plus, that outfit was not cute either.

At the rehearsal dinner Jason’s stepdad reminds the couple that without rain, there’s no rainbows. We think that’s sweet whilst we wonder who the friend/bridesmaid is that decided to show up in white. Seriously, how do people not get that? Molly’s hair looks grungy at the rehearsal like she went for messy cute and didn’t have time for cute. Jason seems like quite the attention whore because he keeps saying “I can’t wait for our day…I want to be standing up in front of everyone…with all eyes on us…” We get it. You’re getting married on TV. You like attention.

Back at the ceremony site, it’s now pouring. Wedding Planner = PISSED! Ken Paves and Mally Roncal, celebrity hair & makeup are there to do up Molly for her big day. Meanwhile Jason is talking to his dad about Ty, telling us that he and Ty’s mom have agreed not to show Ty on camera anymore. Then, somewhere else in the hotel the girls learn that the whole bridal party is getting an all-inclusive 7 day Caribbean vacation. Like they need more free stuff – seriously!?? Then, my heart stopped because I saw Molly’s most brilliant Manolo Blahnik shoes that are so to-die-for with cute little feather accents wrapped around the heel. I love them. Then all the bridesmaids get pairs too. I want to be her friend at this moment.

Molly gets her bouquet with a blue note from Jason and says “oh, that’s sweet” and comparatively when Jason receives the (truth be told not that great) note from Molly with his boutonniere, he’s all choked up and out come the tears again.

And the guests are now arriving. Trista & Ryan come say hello – her dress is stunning, her bangs are not. Paparazzo gets in trouble with security. Deanna is there with Michael’s (Breakdancer from Jillian’s season) twin brother, Stephen, her boyfriend whom she’s been dating for 6 months. Chris asks them about 5 times if they’re engaged. NO. Jillian and Ed look lovely and I want her dress! Some Stephanie chick is there too and I don’t remember her but Brittany catalogs every clip she’s ever appeared in – apparently she’s the Southern Belle with a kid and Jason flew her son up for their date similar to Jake with other Southern Belle Ella – anyway, she’s a hot mess. Long story short – I guess you can’t decide your guest list when ABC pays the bill.

And now… “one of the most anticipated weddings of all time” [according to Chris].

-Bridesmaids win points for walking quickly down the aisle but they should’ve asked for more hairspray.
-Jason Castro sings Over the Rainbow.
-Jason’s a mess already.
-Rainbow shines over the ocean. Not sure who ABC paid to make that happen.
-Molly’s dress is GORGEOUS! She looks very regal.
-Wow, that’s some serious wind. SERIOUS.
-Her celebrity hair stylist is pretty much rendered useless at this point.
-When the officiant says the “does anyone object” part people are seriously looking around waiting for Melissa to come popping out of somewhere. There was a lot of suspicious eye scanning going on.
-Kiptyn is pretty but dateless
-Doves released by moms
-Cut to Commercial – NO JOKE!
-Molly begins to say her vows to Jason and it starts to pour. Hurry up.
-Jason is happy the rain masks his tears.
-Jason’s hands are in his pockets and Molly clings to that bouquet. No hand holding is really bothering us.
-Couldn’t the officiant hold up an umbrella over them? Or how about giving the bridal party umbrellas to hold over themselves and the bride & groom? Isn’t this what wedding planners are for? Geesh.
-And, they’re married.
-Jason high fives people down the aisle. Super classy, there bud.

Reception is insanely gorgeous and I LOVE LOVE LOVE that Gavin DeGraw came to play the piano and sing “Follow Through” for their first dance. It’s not quite a wedding song, but it sure is pretty.

The end.

What did you think?

Next week I’ll be back! 20/20 special -- Inside the Bachelor: Stories Behind the Rose

what to watch tonight: Monday the 8th.

TiVo SEASON PASS:
ABC: The Bachelor: Jason and Molly's wedding at 8p
CW: Life Unexpected at 8p; Gossip Girl at 9p
Bravo: Kell on Earth at 10p

Guest bloggers: Jenn, Ashley, & Marisa on The Bachelor: The Finale

Our guesses:
Jenn – neither, or Vienna
Ashley – Vienna
Marisa – uh…I don’t know…Vienna!

Intro to Jake walking on the beach in his linen pants and vneck shirt… Jenn thinks he looks like Tarzan.

Jake’s family is on the island getting ready to meet the two girls. His family looks like a nice bunch, then Dad hugs Jake and Dad starts crying. Ah, this is where Jake gets it from. Jake explains to his family that he’s in love with two girls and he’s not at all worried about his family liking Tenley. Jake then warns his family about Vienna and he’s getting pretty defensive but tries to lighten it up by saying that Vienna is “drop dead gorgeous.” Ugh. Really?

Immediately Jake’s mom asks if Vienna was the girl in the house that everyone hated. Jake has to confess that yes, he chose the girl that no one [in America] likes to make it to the final two. And we watch as Jake’s mom puts her "not with my son, you won't" game face on.

Tenley brings flowers for Jake’s mom (very classy) and she’s immediately greeted by reciprocally warm smiles and hugs from all around the room. When Tenley starts explaining why she loves Jake - his character, morals, how he looks up to his parents’ marriage - Jake’s dad becomes quite tearful, thus starting the flow of Tenley’s tears and Jake’s dad tells Tenley that she’s going to fit right in.

Tenley talks to Jake’s dad and he’s got the face of steel on trying not to cry…he’s holding it… but then there’s a chin quiver…and then they hug and break down. Tenley and Jake’s mom share a few bonding moments out on the patio, including a conversation about Tenley’s previous marriage experience. You can tell that they really like each other and would get along great. The sisters-in-law approve too.

Jake tells his mom that he worries that Tenley isn’t familiar with his goofy, prankster, I-grew-up-with-brothers side and Jake’s mom gives the obvious advice: you need to tell her. So, as Jake and Tenley are talking he says that they should be in the pool and off they run to take the plunge, clothes on and all. So, hey, see, Tenley gets your goofy, not-at-all-planned-by-prod

ucers spontaneity too.

Jake’s dad is standing pool-side with tears in his eyes as he watches what could soon be his whole family frolicking in the pool with their clothes on.

Now it’s Vienna’s turn to meet the family and we see her walking up the entryway with a huge fruit basket. Marisa notes that “the fruit basket is tacky and inappropriate, just like Vienna.”

Vienna is obviously not clicking with the fam like Tenley. Without prompt, she offers how much all the girls hated her and as a defense says that the reason they didn’t like her is probably because she’s brutally honest. So, out of intrigue, one of the sisters-in-law asks “Am I pretty?” Vienna’s answer: a knee-jerk “Yes”. Sister: “Do I look fat in this?” Vienna: “Kinda... haha...just KIDDING!” HAHA. That was the best part of the whole episode right there.

Jake’s mom tries to warn him but then she comes around and actually apologizes to Vienna and to Jake for judging her so quickly. The sisters-in-law also come around and Laura (usually not the crier, says Jake) also tearfully apologizes for judging her soon-to-be sister-in-law. They point out quite obviously that Vienna and Tenley are like night and day. Vienna agrees and tells them Tenley’s sweet but has none of her own opinions, further explaining that she teases and challenges Jake. At the very least, they admit that it’s obvious that Vienna is crazy about Jake. But wait, Vienna never brought up her own 3-week sham of a marriage. Plus, Dad didn’t cry. FAIL!

On their last chance date, Vienna and Jake go to a sulphur spring to muddy up and play in the water. Looked kinda fun. We’re all in conclusion that Jake doesn’t want a wife, he’s just getting a free $45,000 ring that will ensure he gets to fool around with a 23 year old for a while. Later in the show, Jake asks Vienna, “What’s it like being married for 3 weeks?” like maybe that’s as long as he’s planning on being married to her?? haha. what a question, romeo.

Vienna is putting together her last-chance-to-win-his-heart gift and we notice that the pink stone in her ring that she’s giving him is no longer actually in the ring. Haha…she’s giving him the ring without the stone in it or what? Maybe she lost it while they were slathering sulfur all over each other. As her present to Jake, Vienna puts the ring setting around a letter saying that she wants him to have her “don’t elope again” ring. Bahaha!

Next it’s onto a really awkward quiet date with Tenley on a boat to go snorkeling. Sure, the snorkeling looks romantic, but it’s not like you can talk. Cuddling and kissing on the boat, much to her surprise Jake tells Tenley they have no physical chemistry. She disagrees and then asks him to distinguish physical chemistry from sexual chemistry from passion. Lady, all of it – he’s not feeling any of it. Jake tries to break it to her gently saying he feels like it is building slowly and Tenley seems content with this, suggesting that’s how it should be. Jenn predicts that we’ve just witnessed the break up right there. Queue the break up music as he goes to her room later that evening. Jake says he didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. Tenley gives Jake a shadowbox collage of their pictures, fortunes, and other things from their time together. Ashley wonders what he’ll do with that once he picks Vienna. Jake says “I love Tenley.” Marisa hears “I love lamp.”

Now it’s decision day. Jake sits pensively by the pool with his legs in the water. We’re wishing for a better bachelor at this point but then we see Vienna drawing hearts in the sand and we’re pretty convinced that they’re perfect for one another.

A knock on the door and in strolls Neil Lane with a briefcase full of rings. Because Jake at this point claims he cannot make up his mind between the two women, Neil, being the generous man he is, allows Jake to keep two rings – his pick for Tenley and his pick for Vienna. We’re all kind of appalled. If he’s this torn between the two women, it would be pretty sucky to be the one picked or the one going home, knowing he only loved you a little more or a little less. Dude, at this point, just tell both girls you want to keep seeing them after the show to see which where it goes. That’s the best solution here. Totally not gonna happen, though.

We marvel at the perfectness that are Tenley’s curls and, again, when we see Vienna all dolled up and actually think she looks good for the first time. Vienna must have had professional help getting ready because she actually looks kind of pretty.

We wait anxiously to see which helicopter lands first because that’s the lucky loser that isn’t going home with Jake. Jake’s a mess as he prepares to dump Tenley. He’s taking it worse than Tenley, who is understandably sad but gives quite the hopeful “I’m grateful for you” speech. Jake makes it worse by saying on the stairs “I’m never going to forget you.” Blah. Cry. Blah blah blah.

So, clearly it’s Vienna. He’s already told his family he’s determined to get engaged today. All we can think about is how gross Vienna’s roots are looking. Can’t get your hair did before you might possibly be getting engaged? Jake tells Vienna he’s never met anyone like her. And we’re almost fooled into thinking he might be breaking up with her when he says “…but I need to give you something back” and puts the pink ring her father gave her back into her hand, dramatically closing her fingers around it, then explaining he didn’t quite understand it’s meaning (how hard is it to understand that her dad didn’t want her chasing after pretty shiny rings and going off and eloping so he bought her a big pink bauble to prove that a man in her life does love her?) and now he understands. We guess that the Bachelor crew must have asked Neil Lane to fix the broken ring – seriously, no explanation there? But then, Jake pulls out the engagement ring and gets down on one knee and proposes and Vienna says yes. We would too if presented with that pretty sparkler and didn’t actually ever have to marry the guy. Vienna is so happy that she does a little leg kick trying to be romantic while kissing.

We’re really disappointed in all of it but we’re optimistic that maybe Jake and Vienna have split since the proposal and that they’ll announce that it hasn’t worked out during the After the Rose ceremony. But first, Jake gets to see Tenley again and they rehash everything. Jake tells Tenley she has a friend for life. Jake loves pulling out those friend cards. Tenley laughs a little laugh like “okay, sure thing, buddy.”

Chris Harrison made a funny and called out former lame-o Bachelor Jason Mesnick by telling Jake that he was a 3-4 on the 0 to Meznick scale of crying. Hahaha! Oh, Chris, that was your best line all season!

Vienna comes out to cheers in the crowd. Ugh, really? (Also, I think that they must do this taping right after the Girls Tell All because we see familiar faces in the crowd). We’re immediately wondering if Vienna’s had some work done because she looks much better. Maybe it’s just that she got her roots dyed and had some professional makeup applied?

They’re so happy, yadda yadda…no marriage plans yet…Vienna’s moving to Dallas to be with Jake so they can have some normalcy in their life and see how it goes. Ugh, her ring is so freakin' pretty. Oh, wait, there’s more! It’s him - Jeffrey Osborne…him who, you ask? Oh, that guy, ya know, the singer of “On the Wings of Love” ...and the lovebirds dance while Jeffrey sings them his awful, awful song.

After a whole season of drinking through the awkwardness, we’re almost completely fed up with watching this show so as we’re hoping to turn it off immediately, we have to keep watching so we can get confirmation that it is America’s new sweetheart, Ali, (no surprise there) that will be the next Bachelorette. Looks like she was able to negotiate a little bit with Facebook (her employer) to get time off for the publicity stunt. We were really hoping for a fresh face on this, but hey, at least we know that Ali’s messy hair, emotional crying fits and sobs, and love of yellow will give us plenty to talk about next season. She says she likes quirky guys, so we’re sure they’ll also choose a lot of real winners for us to make fun of and affectionately name.

Were you surprised at Jake’s final choice of Vienna Sausage? Do you think they’ll last?

What do you think about Ali being the next Bachelorette?

Stay tuned for next week’s recap of The Bachelor: Jason & Molly’s wedding!

what to watch tonight: Monday the 1st.

Who do you think will be rejected most tonight? Jake? Tenley? Vienna? or Jay? Check back tomorrow for more on that. Tonight: Watch it all.

TONIGHT ON BRAVO:
Bravo: Inside the Actors Studio: James Cameron at 7p; The Real Housewives Top 25: The Early Years at 10p

TONIGHT'S PREMIERES:
CBS: Rules of Engagement at 8:30p
TLC: Our Little Life at 8p
NBC: The Tonight Show with Jay Leno at 11:35p (is anybody else having a deja vu??)

TiVo SEASON PASS:
ABC: The Bachelor at 8p
CW: Life Unexpected at 9p

Thoughts on The Bachelor and more

Jenn & Ashley have been doing a wonderful job at bringing the humor into the season week by week with their recaps, but I need to put in my two cents. I haven't watched every season of The Bachelor / The Bachelorette over the years, but the ones that I have, I've always had a love / hate relationship with. The past few seasons there have been quite a few stunts pulled in the last episodes that were just too ridiculous to handle as a viewer. Word was it was all made up for the show. (ie: the whole Jason / Melissa / Molly thing) But after watching Jake's season, I feel like this show is either a) truly genuine or b) getting much more convincing at being "real."

Either way I really enjoyed this show this time around! I might completely change my mind next week depending on what sort of drama plays out, but I think overall it's been a very satisfying season to watch. I guess there's just something really interesting to me about watching people reflect on love and relationships.

I watched the Women Tell All episode from this week and the cast very much acknowledges the fact that the entire process was making & filming a TV show. Nothing was expressed, however, that made me feel like any of it was set up or planned out. Call me naive, but I want to believe in The Bachelor. Sure, Chris Harrison is very scripted, and Jake is Mr. Perfect. But I think that is just who they are and I think that Chris Harrison is also very good at his job. As a host should be. He may have cue cards, yes, but it takes some talent to handle some of these situations, and I really think they are just winging it. (No Jake the pilot pun intended.)

Naturally, I do not think that going on a reality TV show is the most ideal way to fall in love, but when I'm sitting here watching these people talk about what they've gone through, it feels pretty real. When Ali talks about Jake, or the way that the two of them look at each other, I see something real has happened between them. And when Gia is talking about her experience, it feels very genuine.

All around the cast this season was great. I am looking forward to next week to really sum it all up. I guess I'm just a sucker for love and "real" people, whether they're being characters or not. There's something interesting about those characters and the confessions they make in front of those cameras. And my confession is I am hooked on The Bachelor....

Here's hoping Team Tenley gets the proposal! Mr. & Mrs. Disney Prince Charming. Perfect.

Guest Bloggers: Ashley, Jenn & Lauren on The Bachelor: The Women Tell All - Last night!

This is Chris Harrison's night to shine and with all sincerity he welcomes us to the show and ponders who will become Jake's wife. In this moment the show has never felt more like a gameshow but he hops right into talking with Jake (in a video segment) about Rozlyn's "inappropriate relationship" and then Elizabeth the Tease's "kiss me, don't kiss me" head mind games. We see Jake saying (almost so he believes himself) that he has friends who have gotten married and their first kiss was on their wedding day. ugh. Puhlease. For the twentieth time we relived all the fear and half crying and his head on her shoulder before the bungee jump and first kiss that bonded Jake and Vienna so intimately. Cut to Tenley's fortune cookie date with Jake which seems like the only normal exchange so far, minus having to see Jake in that awful turtleneck again. Chris gets really serious and says "one that was extremely emotional for you was Ali" and Ashley corrects the television Chris by pointing out that it was more Ali that was the super emotional one. We see the rewind of Ali entering Jake's hotel room to tell him she has to choose between work and him. She's wearing a bright pink top (really bright) and...wait for it...is that?...no!...yes, a yellow bra peeking out. The girl can't help it. Back to Chris who asks Jake if this is the first time he'll be seeing Ali. The answer is a very thoughtful "yes." Chris: "What's that going to be like?" Jake: (dramatic pause................... then profoundly:) "I don't know."

Next we get some clips of something we never knew existed, but would definitely like to see turned into it's own reality show: Bachelor reunions. Lots a pretty people hooking up and hanging out. And drinking. Lotsa drinking. Here were our favorites from those clips: Wes, the deceitful Country Crooner; Charlie O'Connell (so lovable!); Michael, the goofy Breakdancer from Jillian's season; Juan (Kevin's brother's twin/David Arquette look alike); and Shayne (oh, monkey!).

Chris asks girls to talk about their first meetings with Jake. Ashley said she planned the fall into Jake's arms and Chris (being the quippy guy he is) says it's a good thing Jake's a good catch. wah wah wah... We love when the girls are talking about Tenley and how "she almost fell out of a Disney movie" and probably "dreams in cartoons." haha. it's so true! especially when they show clips of her singing like she's Cinderella with birds making her dresses. haha.

Prodding some more for the gossip, Chris wants to know just why everyone hates Vienna. The boring answer is that she's 23 and really immature. Gia comes to her defense and says that Vienna's a great girl. All this nice talk about Vienna is making me wonder if she's the final one picked and that's why everyone's keeping a lid on it. Elizabeth confesses that seeing the stupid no kissing reels made her feel stupid. Good, you were.

Everyone's antsy for Rozlyn to make her appearance but to drag it along, Chris asks some of the girls to talk about what they saw. Gia was Rozlyn's roommate and says she wasn't in her room at night. Ashley says Rozlyn and nameless Producer were cuddling and kissing and they weren't good at hiding it.

Gia is welcomed to the Chris Harrison stage since she made it to the final 3 (by default because of Ali’s early departure). We relive their skin-deep romance and see a clip we’ve never seen before (we know this, because surely we would have made fun of it in the recap) where Gia tells Jake she thinks she’s falling for him and then emotionally “Is it okay to fall?” and in his awesome way with words Jake reassures her “it’s okay to fall” and cue the kiss.

Next up in the hot seat is CRAZY MICHELLE! Oh, how we’ve missed her. Her hair looks fabulous (kudos to your hair salon, Kady!). Even Crazy Michelle is cringing watching the replay of her antics on television but she stands firm and says “I have no regrets.” At this point, I’m wondering if ABC paid her to be the crazy girl on the show. She’s seeming pretty normal and together at this point. I can’t tell if I’m disappointed. Elizabeth pipes in asking if Michelle tried making friends in the house and we don’t really care because like Crazy Michelle said – it’s supposed to be about snagging a husband, not making girlfriends. Michelle defends her sanity and says “I don’t need a therapist.” I can almost imagine the cue card guy holding up a sign to the audience “LAUGH!” Michelle was classy about it. Sorry to everyone expecting an onstage mental breakdown about lost love.

America’s new sweetheart, Ali, gets on stage and the crowd goes wild…any guess at who the next Bachelorette will be??? Ali confesses that it’s hard to watch it replayed on television because she misses Jake sometimes. Chris asks why she chose her job over Jake and Ali tries to explain that it’s her defense mechanism, she was scared…”If I could go back and do it again, I probably would.” Ali also tries to prove that she’s matured and says that she is disappointed in herself for being so mean and she’s sorry to Vienna. This is definitely reinforcing my presumption that she’s the next Bachelorette – gotta make nice with the one the former Bachelor picks, right? Right?

Also, it’s now time to point out why we love this show in all its corny glory – fade away to the still shot of the Bachelor logo with a lone silhouette of Jake with his motorcycle Top Gun style. Oh, Bachelor…swoon! Haha.

Now, what everyone’s been waiting for…Rozlyn is let out of her isolated room back stage and escorted to the set (by the same man who escorted her out of the Bachelor house, mind you). While walking through corridors backstage, we hear the crowd cheer and Rozlyn (who’s smarter than she looks) says “I assume those cheers aren’t for me.” Hahahahah. I will note that she is smokin’ hot, minus the somewhat skeletal face, and we love her dress. Chris starts off with the no bad blood, no hard feelings speech…yadda yadda…and says “this, for some reason, turned into a really huge thing.” Nicely said, sir. We laugh everytime Chris asks Rozlyn to explain everything “in your mind.” (example: “tell us how you think it all happened…in your mind.”) Chris: “In your mind nothing physical ever happened?” Rozlyn: “Absolutely.” Chris’ best quote of the night comes when he gets personal and says “I’m a father and when my son starts telling stories about unicorns and magicians I say “son, isn’t the truth the simplest story?” Crowd erupts in cheers as our hero, Chris, has really stuck it to her this time! Rozlyn brings up not being able to call her son, which is quickly brushed off as an excuse by the other two moms sitting in the cast-off corner. Valishia, who is getting more air time this episode than the rest of the season combined calls out Rozlyn by telling her that her son and this [situation] are two very different things. And the audience “ooohs.” Ella and Valishia both testify that they were able to call their children quite often. Rozlyn argues that she was not able to call her son because no cameras were around to film it and her ex-husband would not sign the waiver for her son to be heard on camera. She then claims that infamous nameless producer let her use his phone to call her son and when she was booted off the show she figured that is what they were referring to when they claimed she had an “inappropriate relationship” and thus did not question it further. Chris asks Rozlyn if she’s continued the relationship with the producer and she says the friendship has continued. Chris asks Rozlyn if she’s seen the producer and she says that yes, in fact, she also met his dad while the two men stopped by her house on a road trip. Chris gets excited and asks the other women if any producers and their dads stopped by their houses to say hello. [Prompt audience to “LAUGH!”] Chris says it’s all very sad how it had to go down, the producer was a great friend and co-worker and Rozlyn gets a gleam in her eyes and says “that’s funny because he said he was a bit surprised to hear you call him a friend, especially when you were hitting on his wife!” boo-ya! Chris is not going to even dignify that with a response. And that scandalous accusation is quickly swept under the rug. Next topic to fight about is whether or not there are hidden cameras planted all over the house – this is Rozlyn’s defense as to why she would not have been so bold as to have done the making out on the stairs or getting “put to bed” by the producer as the other girls alleged. Chris gave a very commendable response and even the cast-offs in the corner nodded their heads in agreeance. Lauren’s annoyed with all of Rozlyn’s finger pointing (literally) and we’re pretty much over this so we’re very happy when Chris sincerely tells Rozlyn, “I hope you become a better person after this.” HAHAHAHAH.

Now welcome our handsome pilot Bachelor, Jake. Here are the highlights:
-In regards to Gia, Jake says that “when we were sitting there on that bench, my heart was crying.” (ugh. pathetic)
-Jake says in a lost-love hopeful kind of way that he thought Ali would jump out of the limo before it drove away. Then he kills it when he says she’ll always have a friend. Here’s your friend card; no hope there, honey.
-Kathryn gets her two words in and says she didn’t get a chance. I think she got emotional and I’m pretty sure I didn’t care.
-Jake says he wished he would have had more time to spend with Christina because she was so funny. We agree!

The funny stuff montage at the end of the show was by far the best part of the whole thing. Here’s some of it, which you have to see for it to be funny:
-Quite clearly cameras are about to roll and Jake is really interested in knowing how Chris gets his teeth so white. Jake: “What do you use on your teeth?” [limo pulls up] Chris: (awkward shrug and mumble) Jake: “They’re just really white?”
-Jake runs really fast in place in the shower, contrasting the slow motion scrub down we usually see.
-Jake bangs his head on the headboard while having romantic one-on-one time with Ashley.
-Tenley hides in the clothes trunk to scare Gia. Gia screams.
-Ali confessing she’d rather date a “super fart” – she meant to say “smart, funny”
-Corrie fesses up to farting on the RV
-Ella’s date interrupted by flamingos
-Christina’s bulging, crying eyes spot a mouse or rat (we replayed that one)
-Ashley flicks off the camera.

Other points to note: Channy [the Tranny] gets no talking time during the episode – all we saw was her awesome “you can land your plane on my landing strip anytime” quote. I bet she would’ve provided a lot more fun if she stuck around longer. Corrie also didn’t get any talking time but she did get that treasure of a never before seen clip of her farting in the RV. And that’s how you’ll be remembered in Bachelor history. Bummer. Cute outfit, though.

Things to look forward to:
-Final rose, possible ring and proposal – last episode airs next week!
-Jason & Molly’s wedding which will air Monday, March 8. Definitely tuning in for that!

Jake said he’s happy about the way it ends…how do you think it ends?? Both girls look to be crying in the previews – which one do you think he picks? Will he propose??

what to watch tonight: Monday the 22nd.

TiVo SEASON PASS:
ABC: The Bachelor at 8p
CW: Life Unexpected at 9p
Bravo: Kell on Earth at 10p

Guest Bloggers: The Bachelor: Episode 7 Recap, the Fantasy Suite Night a la Ashley, Jenn, Marisa & Liz

The fantasy suite episode takes us to the romantic island of St. Lucia, which, according to Jake is “the perfect place to fall in love.” He said the same thing about San Francisco. Apparently it wasn’t perfect enough there though, because Ali left him. But wait, cut to a scene of Ali at home (do most people wear a hotel robe in their homes?) contemplating whether she made the right decision as she stares at headshots of Jake on her/hotel nightstand. Creepy…but more of that later.

Jake’s first date is with Gia, who seems to be talking like she has a jolly rancher in her mouth. Gia walks up the side of a mountain to meet Jake. Much to Marisa’s annoyance Gia leaves her hair down, despite the crazy winds that keep blowing her hair in her face and mouth. Jake is surprised to see Gia, which is weird because that’s the point of him waiting on the top of the mountain. But then he and Gia take a boat ride across the bay to go mingle with the locals. And here comes our favorite/most hated scene of the night: Jake dancing. While mingling with the locals, Gia starts dancing with some of the reggae musicians. Jake tries to dance along with her, but it’s not pretty. If you’re familiar with Seinfeld, it’s the male equivalent of Elaine’s dance: rhythmless, jerky, and unattractive. Good thing she had her back to him most of the time, otherwise she might have just left the show right then. As they kept on going Jake bought her a necklace, which Gia put on her wrist and said she’s going to wear it there the rest of her life. The necklace goes on her wrist because she “wears her heart on her sleeve for Jake.”

Later that night for dinner Jake greets Gia with an awkward wave and they move over to dinner with their backs against the ocean, that way ABC gets a better photo op. Over dinner Jake tells Gia that she’s really deep. Hmm. We don’t really see that. When Gia asks to know more about Jake, he tells her that he always puts others before himself. Jenn thought this sounded like a textbook job interview answer. I’ll have to remember that one for when I need a new job. And it really bothered Marisa that Gia’s ears were tucked under her hair and headband. That’s not the purpose of a headband. But maybe that’s how they do things in New York? I doubt it. We need Jessie Reynolds to confirm or deny this.

They move to the hammock where Jake thinks their bodies are molding together like they were made for each other. Either that or the curvature of the hammock sheet… Regardless, Jake thinks this is the perfect time to bust out the fantasy suite card. Gia accepts the invitation and we cut to a scene of the two of them the bathtub. How romantic…except for the dirty brown bathwater. We hope that was just lighting. Eww.

Next date is with Tenley, which begins with a helicopter ride over the island followed by a picnic lunch in the rainforest. Tenley brings up how she loved that Jake appreciated her dance from last week’s episode. Tenley should really be informed about Jake’s inability to dance. He may need to stick to a nice slow waltz, which will probably be acceptable; Tenley doesn’t seem to be a hip hop kind of girl. For what seems like the hundredth time, Tenley states that she hasn’t been with another man since her ex-husband. This will be interesting when the fantasy suite card comes.

During dinner Jake asks Tenley to dance. No worries for Jake here though, it’s just a slow dance, middle school swaying back and forth. And again, when in doubt, just kiss. Nothing embarrassing this time. She lets Jake lead the dance and then equates him leading her in dancing to him leading her in life.

Jake tells Tenley that he really admires her values (after she states yet again, that she’s only been with one man). Jake especially likes her values when they’re flying out the window as she agrees to share the fantasy suite with him. But who knows what happened behind closed doors…in that candlelit room…with the private pool… and the bed covered in rose petals…

Finally, it’s time for the return of yellow-haired Vienna sausage. Marisa's been following our recaps but has never seen the show. Her mortified squeal at the sight of Vienna confirms our disgust. This date is on a pirate ship. There is lot’s of deck top making out, including some really sickening face-licking kisses. Ew. In addition to not being able to dance, Jake also can’t do accents. I thought speaking like a pirate was on everyone’s resume, but apparently not Jake’s. His attempts to talk to Vienna like a pirate sounded more like, well, I don’t know what, but definitely not a pirate. And, who doesn’t understand that you have to open the eye that isn’t wearing the eye patch?? Hmmm…maybe these two are made for each other. And another conundrum is Vienna’s tattoo, we couldn’t figure out what it was (besides ugly). Despite many slow motion replays on the DVR our best guesses were: a shark, a dolphin, a crawdad, some sort of bug, maybe a butterfly?

Off the ship there was a montage of some very cliché make out sessions on the beach with the waves hitting them. It was tough to watch. Luckily we cut to dinner, where Jake asks Vienna what kind of ring she wants. This is not a good sign for those of us rooting for Tenley. Although Jake seems more and more like an idiot, so maybe it would be better for him to choose Vienna. After the ring discussion, Vienna tells Jake she’s in love with him. Jake’s idiot response: “you’re in love with me!? Thanks for telling me that.” There was genuine surprise in his voice. He might as well have said “thanks, friend” and given her a high five but then, what’s with all the ring talk? Not surprising to anyone, I’m sure, Vienna accepts the invitation to the fantasy suite. She really wants to show Jake her elegant side, so she comes out in a slinky white slip. She’s really working for that princess cut diamond with the thin band. Ugh. I don’t even want to imagine what happened behind those closed doors.

Back at the hotel, Jake is primping himself (not wearing a watch) and he gets a very upsetting call from Ali (he answers the phone wearing a watch – that’s just bad editing right there). Ali tells Jake she wants to come back. She realized she made a terrible decision as soon as the limo drove away, but for some reason she decided to wait until he was in St. Lucia to call. Jake tells her he’s already fallen too deep for the other women. Ali cries, Jake cries, and then Jake takes a moment to open the window (we guess the room is too stuffy with all his emotions in the air), look out the window and have a moment of deep reflection.

As Jake gets ready for the rose ceremony, he looks himself over in the mirror, and debates whether or not to leave his top button undone. Doing so would probably just make it worse for the girl going home, so he buttons it back up. Smart move. Then after a pointless discussion with Chris Harrison, he watched the videos the girls prepared. Tenley is her usual sweet self. We thought Gia looked very awkward, Marisa thought she was talking like Brittany Murphy in Clueless (RIP) and Jenn thought it was more like Anna Nicole Smith (also RIP). Either way, it was weird. And Vienna was her usual unattractive self.

Finally, it’s time for the rose ceremony. The first rose goes to Tenley. The second rose goes to Vienna sausage.

Now it’s [finally] time for Gia to leave. Jake escorts her to a bench to talk. And yikes, it must have been really humid in St. Lucia, or Gia doesn’t handle stress well, because she has a serious sweat ‘stache going. And even more sweat all over the rest of her face. Despite the sweat she was a graceful loser and wished Jake luck and told him he’s got two great girls to choose from and she thinks he’s making a good decision with either of them. That was classy. However, her dress rolling down under the weight of her boobs = not so classy.

Jake returns to Tenley and Vienna for a group hug, which just seems really wrong but so has most of this episode.

Next week: the girls tell all! Think they’ll let Rozlyn tell her side of the story? We don’t think so either.

- Jennifer, Ashley, Marisa & Liz

Guest Blogger: The Bachelor a la Jennifer

It's the hometown dates this week, friends, and I have to start out by saying I was expecting more. Looking forward to your comments and input but here's the recap:

The "I'm on a boat" episode (okay, there were only two, but still) starts in New York for Gia. Gia shows Jake the NY sights and they take some really cute photos. Doesn't seem like anything deep is really going on and it's confirmed that Jake has been too busy staring at Gia to remember anything else about her when he says that he doesn't know anything about her past relationships. Gia says she dated a really bad guy and he did really bad things. This is the same story we heard when they were on their one-on-one "roughing it" at the winery. This is now episode 6 and we know nothing new.

Last week's preview gave us a glimpse of the gem that is Gia's mom but the best clip of her was actually in the end credits when she asks to read cards for Jake. She babbles about what they mean and she asks "did that answer your question or what you were thinking?" Jake flatly says, "No." haha. total fail, lady. Cut back to Gia's brother who looks like a cross between a backstreet boy and Steve (miranda's husband from Sex & the City). Gia's mom gives her the "you're special" speech. The best part of this date segment is Gia's monologue about not expecting Jake to be in love with her right now. I liked that she had a realistic perspective but it doesn't make for great tv. Gia is feeling reassured at the end of their date because her family tells her that Jake really likes her. Of course they're gonna tell you that, honey, they're your family. oh, and you are special. Gia says she's falling in love with Jake.

Ali's hometown date is in Williamstown, MA. Jake starts off saying what I was thinking - Ali is a little bit ahead of the other girls because she's already been able to show him her life in San Fran. Jake says he missed Ali and he seems sincere. They do a cute wishing on leaves thing and they look like they're having fun together - Ali says "everything is fun and a friendship but we wanna kiss and be romantic too." (In case you were wondering, yes, she does have another claw clip in her hair, but she's learning how to wear it better). Ali talks about her grandmother and how much she meant to her so she takes Jake to her grandmother's house, which is a little creepy/cute. We meet Ali's mom, sister and brother and Ali's mom says she looks the happiest she's been in a long time and gives her blessing to Jake. Seems a little early for that but maybe there was a conversation we didn't see? Mom's confident and says "yes, she'll have a ring on her finger," which Ali then later affirms with Jake telling him that if he asked her today she'd say yes. They do some serious kissing and Ali says she's falling in love with Jake.

Next Jake visits Tenley in Oregon. Jake says that his and Tenley's values are aligned and he missed her a lot. Tenley of course looks darling and they head to a dance studio so that Tenley can show Jake her passion - she's choreographed a dance to show him something that her ex-husband never appreciated. Jake presses play and Tenley starts to dance and oh, wait, is that wedding music??? haha. Tenley's house is super cute and it finally feels like the show is gonna get good because her family seems normal and he really has something to prove here because of Tenley's past. It's all going really well and so well even that Jake asks Tenley's dad if he has permission to marry his daughter. Her dad says that he could give his blessing to a guy like Jake and they have a good talk. It seemed perhaps like it was a hypothetical conversation meant to sound like authentic intentions with some good editing. we'll see. Like Gia earlier, Tenley gives a nice little monologue that made me like her more when she explained that she's taking this seriously. She said, "I don't want to just say I love Jake because of just how fun that would be and how incredible it would be and what a fun story we would have here but i can honestly say that my heart feels safe. I'm falling for Jake. Definitely falling in love with Jake."

Lastly, we hear that Jake has been excited to see Vienna all week. Woof. (that was for you, Ash) Vienna talks about loving nature and being outside and i don't believe her for a second. She sets up a boat for the two of them to go down the river, which looks a lot like the jungle cruise. Jake looked super hot driving that boat. In contrast, Vienna Sausage's family looks like a hot mess. Vienna's dad tries to intimidate Jake,at which he's pretty successful with the crazy eyes and all. Mr. Sausage gives Jake the "my daughter's a princess" speech - we believe him. Is it just me or is their relationship a little too over the top? okay, a lot over the top. Jake says he's falling hard for Vienna. Woof. Jake looks pretty uncomfortable during most of his time with the Sausage family but he keeps talking about Vienna's honesty and how drawn he is to her. The only interesting/funny part of this segment for me is when we find out that the pink bauble ring Vienna wears is from her dad. It's her "don't go off and elope again ring." hahahahahaha. Then it's back to awkwardness when Mr. Sausage walks in on them making out on the bed. Welcome to high school. Dad says "I'll just wait for you outside the door." he's serious. it's gross.

One thing all the dates had in common: all four girls are falling in love with Jake. surprise!

Jake's wading through his emotions in his hotel room when there's a knock on the door. It's Ali. She's crying. we know where this is going. She has to decide between staying with Jake and going back to work. (Hey, didn't this work for Ed last season? must be the same writers.) It seems like Ali's just hoping Jake will tell her that he's in love with her and he wants her to stay so that she gets some guarantee. Maybe she senses that she's "losing" to Vienna and wants to fight dirty with head mind games? She tells Jake she'll decide by the rose ceremony, leaves the hotel room and falls to the floor in the hotel hallway. I think secretly hoping Jake will come out, see her crying pathetically and console her. very sad.

Now it's the rose ceremony and Ali is the first to arrive. Her dress is not up to par. It looks comfy. Like maybe she'll be wearing it on a plane soon. it also doesn't fit well (jessie, was there another wardrobe malfunction? this dress looked prime for it). Gia's red lips are back and Andrea Wagner confirmed what I've thought since they made their first appearance: Joker. Tenley looks radiant in emerald green and Vienna looks like she's going to a club with the cast of Jersey Shore and her mom. Ali tells Chris H. she needs to talk and he escorts her up to Jake. She's getting permanent frown lines on her face (not attractive) from all the furrowed brows and pouty faces, and her hair is a mess. She made a good choice getting her nails done because her fingers got a lot of air time whilst she was pulling her hair out. She tells Jake she loves him. They make out. She's sobbing when Chris comes back in. She says she needs more time and then tells Jake she needs to go. Jake reassures her that she wasn't on the chopping block. Ali continues to apologize all the way home.

So, no rose ceremony tonight. We know there's someone in this group that Jake doesn't want. my guess is Gia but i think he's still pretty stoked he'll get to sleep with her in St. Lucia.

My observation of the night: It seems that Jake isn't looking forthe girl but just a good one that'll do. agree? disagree?

In the previews for next week we hear Ali on the phone calling Jake in his hotel room. Do you think she's really pulling an Ed and coming back? How do you think Tenley will take the intimate "fantasy suite" in next week's episode? Who are your final two?

- Jennifer Steinhart

what to watch tonight: Monday the 8th.

TONIGHT'S PREMIERES:
VH1: Celebrity Fit Club: Boot Camp at 9p

TONIGHT'S FINALE:
NBC: Heroes at 9p

TiVo SEASON PASS:
ABC: The Bachelor at 8p
CW: Life Unexpected at 9p [I keep giving this one another chance...]
Bravo: Kell on Earth at 10p

Guest Bloggers: The Bachelor: Episode 5 Recap a la Ashley & Jenn & Lauren

This week we were fortunate enough to be joined by Lauren McKinney, who had some fantastic comments and observations throughout the show and was also kind enough to supply Sprinkles.

This episode takes place in San Francisco, Ali’s home turf. As Jake shows the remaining 5 girls (Ali, Vienna, Tenley, Gia, and Corrie) around the hotel, Vienna proclaims “As much as I love roughing it” and we stop listening to her right there and call BS.

Tenley gets the first one-on-one date card and it says “Let’s get our love on track in San Francisco.” She looks gorgeous on her date and we’re all happy until we realize that their love isn’t on track, it’s on wheels. It’s a fake imposter trolley. Boo. They walk around Chinatown and go to a fortune cookie making shop, which I think is a more creative and cute date than we’ve seen in a long while. They each write a personal message and have it put in a cookie to save for later. They seem to be really hitting it off, but there were still a few awkward moments and pauses that they are at least comfortable enough now to fill with kisses.

The second date is a two-on-one. Corrie grabs the card and tells the girls that it’s Vienna and Ali…tension and rage fill the room… “Just kidding!” Man, that was the funniest thing that’s happened on the show. It made us really like her. The date is actually for Vienna and Gia but no one is really paying too much attention because Ali’s big sigh of relief has taken over the room. Vienna is playing the sad girl because no one likes her, and while we also don’t like her, we’re wondering why she cares. Also, Ashley is wondering if perhaps Vienna doesn’t know that eyeshadow should not be applied all around the eyes – she looks a bit raccoon-ish.

Meanwhile, Jake and Tenley are visiting Coit Tower. Jake says he pictures Tenley most as his wife – we agree, she looks like a cute little wife, but I guess that’s because she’s already been one? Jake confesses that he’s trying not to fall too fast and wants to know if Tenley has a full heart to give. He gives a really lame answer when Tenley asks what his expectations of marriage are but we gave kudos to her for asking a really thoughtful question considering her past marriage failed. We gave her more points for asking Jake about the reputation pilots have for infidelity and Jake responds that cheating is a choice and the woman he marries will be the last woman he looks at. We call BS again. Then Lauren chimed in from the couch “I HATE men in turtlenecks!” We agree (unless you're the hot guy from White Collar). Their fortune cookies are finally cracked open and serendipitously they both say “kiss me” – cute, but kind of a let down.

Back at the hotel room, a trunk full of clothes arrives for Gia and Vienna to choose from. While walking up to the castle where they’ll be for the overnight date Vienna says, “I’m my Dad’s princess and now I’m Jake’s Queen and he’s my prince charming.” Learn your royalty hierarchy, girlfriend. Gia feels like the third wheel while Vienna shares that she was “shaking in her pants” and then proceeds to share the aftermath details of the last rose ceremony. Jake explains that it was very difficult to let Jessie and Ashleigh go because they were such great friends (haha) and that the fact that Vienna is still here means that he likes her a lot and he doesn’t care what other people think. Ewww.

We’re relieved when Jake says he wants alone time with Gia. Gia says “you can eat my salmon” which we take to mean “kiss my ass, lady.” Gia confesses that she’s the most insecure, which she should be considering Lauren just commented under her breath “the bigger the hoops, bigger the whore.” Feisty; we like it. Jake reassures Gia that he’s really, really into her. That was the “I like you. Do you like me?” conversation. We guess they weren’t kidding when they said they were really dorky in high school. Maybe some people never get over that. Vienna is getting lonely so she grabs a lantern and heads on the prowl throughout dark corridors looking for Jake. She wants to make sure she’s the only one who gets to cuddle. You’re on the wrong show, lady. Whilst Vienna is wandering aimlessly, Gia is kissing for the camera – she’s practically got one eye open to make sure the camera is still on her.

In one-on-one time with Vienna Jake asks “What would married life be like with you?” We don’t even want to think about it but she responds by saying she wants to be like 6-year-olds in love. Huh? Vienna tells Jake “I’m falling for you,” to which he replies “hmmm…really?” hahahahahaha. We didn’t see Vienna and Jake kiss on camera so maybe that’s a good sign.

Jake hugs the girls goodnight in their rooms and after he’s in his bed chamber without his shirt on, he snuggles into bed when low and behold, in walks Vienna. Jake looks pissed but in his interview he says she looked “sexy as hell.” We use air quotes there because he had to be joking, right?

Corrie gets the next date card which says “Love is a walk in the park.” For a wardrobe consultant, we’re underwhelmed with her outfit. Ashley believes wardrobe consultant is code for unemployed and Lauren thinks it means she has a shopping addiction. Their boat ride in the pond is very Notebook-esque. We like. She’s cute and talks about wanting to kiss Jake with reference to the kissing rule from Hitch – he goes in 90, she’ll go in 10. Jake says “I’ll go 80, she should come 20.” No surprise that they don’t connect. Bummer, a first kiss would have been lovely in that uber-romantic location. Later on their date Jake looks bored and she looks like she’s going to cry. It seems like an interview and then Jake gets a “wait-a-minute” look on his face and asks “Are you saving yourself for marriage?” Corrie says yes and Jake looks like that was the deal breaker but he says he respects that and it’s not at all an issue. Then they kiss…FINALLY.

Ali’s date card comes to the hotel room and it says “I want to leave my heart in San Francisco. Show me your city.” Ali is excited to show Jake her neighborhood. As they walk along Jake stops to get Ali some flowers and she notes how many times she’s walked by that same place and wished she had someone to get her flowers. They talk about hometowns a lot – living in SF or Texas. We think it’s a little inappropriate to be making out and groping each other with all the cute little families that are strolling by, but whatever. Later Ali handles Jake’s questions about Vienna well. She seems a little more apathetic but she was classy about it. Kudos to her on the conversation, but she lost major style points on her outfit. It just wasn’t right. “I am just so smitten with that boy.” Aww.

Before the rose ceremony:
-Jake and Tenley dance, then make out. Super cute.
-Corrie brings up the virgin thing. Don’t remind him, honey.
-Gia’s dress looks awesome. Gia says she really respects Jake for showing character by sending Vienna back to the room on their overnight date. She tells Jake she wants to stand out. Lauren says that Gia does stand out because she’s the only brunette of the bunch. Lauren’s recently brunette too. Ashley and I welcome her to the club.
-Jake says he is really attracted to Vienna. Ugh. Jake likes her a lot. We like him less. He says he wants to fall for her. We wonder, would Vienna look better if she were a brunette?

Talking with Chris Harrison doesn’t reveal anything, except further confirming his worthlessness.

The lucky four ladies that are going to take Jake home to meet the fam are Tenley, Ali, Gia, and Vienna.

Jake has serious tears in his eyes and explains that with Corrie he “can’t ignore that there was just something missing” [sex?]. Why all of a sudden does Corrie look drunk in the limo? Free consolation champagne in the limo, perhaps?

Next week:
-Is someone coming back? Jake and Ed did last season - this could be fun! Any guesses on who it could be??
-Why isn’t there a rose ceremony - does someone go home early?
-How will Jake deal with Gia’s Jersey-esque mom?
-Vienna’s dad wants her to be treated like a princess. Surprise!

P.S. Cheers to Sarah Glenny Gonzales' friend who got engaged during the Marry Me Monday video of this episode!

- Ashley, Jenn, & Lauren

what to watch tonight: Monday the 1st.

TONIGHT'S PREMIERES:
Bravo: Kell on Earth at 10p
Logo: RuPaul's Drag Race at 9p; RuPaul's Drag Race: Untucked at 10p
Planet Green: Blood, Sweat, and T-Shirts at 10p
TLC: Ultimate Cake Off at 10p

TiVo SEASON PASS:
ABC: The Bachelor at 8p

LAST WEEK'S PREMIERES:
ABC FAMILY: Greek at 10p
FX: Damages at 10p
BBC America: The Inbetweeners at 9p

The Bachelor: Episode 4 Recap a la Ashley & Jenn

Chris Harrison announced at the beginning of the show that there will be 3 dates: a 1 on 1, a group date, and a 2 on 1. But, first, here comes 2 giant RVs to take the girls up the coast of California – and we could have sworn he said to say goodbye to the house FOREVER. Dramatic. In the first RV is Kathryn, Ella, Ali, Tenley, and Jesse. The 2nd RV is now home to Vienna, Ashleigh, Corrie and Gia. And out in front is Jake, who, according to Steve Shewey looked a lot like Jim Carrey on his Dumb and Dumber scooter. Not quite the studly-looking bachelor we’ve all come to know and love.

Everyone arrives at a wine vineyard in Santa Rosa to “rough it.” Not that we know much about roughing it, but I assume “roughing it” doesn’t include RVs that are nicer than my apartment. (Also, please note the proper usage of air quotes for future reference.)

The one on one date is with Gia, the swimsuit model from New York. Vienna is quick to point out that Gia is a city girl and not at all what Jake is looking for, but only the date will tell. Before we get to the date, let's first cut to Jake shaving in front of his tent with practically a straight blade and a tiny little mirror, oh, and of course his shirt unbuttoned. It just wouldn’t be The Bachelor without gratuitous bare chest scenes. Alright, back to Gia, true to her city girl ways she donned what appeared to be a pair of Christian Louboutin stilettos. It seems a little ridiculous considering her surroundings, but it works out in her favor later when Jake has to give her a piggy back ride to their campfire. Smart. After talking about wanting to have two kids and adopt a baby girl from China, then what losers they were in high school, and an awkward couple of kisses during two-man spin the bottle, Jake gives her the rose.

The next date is the group date with Jesse, Ashleigh, Tenley, Ali, Vienna (sausage), and Corrie, which leaves Ella and Kathryn for the 2 on 1 date. The group date is in Pismo Beach, where it’s legal to ride your motorcycle on the beach. That shot of Jake riding on the beach with his hair in the wind = very Top Gun like.

Vienna is not excited to be on a “group date” <-- those were her air quotes, not ours. If you’re saying something literal you don’t need air quotes, write that down. Hopefully, she was just channeling her inner Joey Tribiani from Friends with his famous “I’m sorry” to Ross. Speaking of Joey, we also think Jesse (“ie” or just “e”? She doesn’t get enough air time for us to know or care) looks like she could be one of Joey Tribiani’s sisters. Despite Vienna’s lack of enthusiasm for her “group date,” she and all the girls go in dune buggies with Jake. And when Vienna’s dune buggy gets stuck in the sand, Jake comes to rescue the damsels in distress and lifts the dune buggy with ease. Next was sand boarding where Jake said he was having an awesome time with Tenley. It looks like my pick is still going strong. Side note: Jake sure does reference how much he likes the girls getting dirty.

After the beach they went to the Madonna Inn, which Jenn and I immediately recognized from a Girls Next Door episode. Everyone seems enchanted with that place. But we can’t think of anything tackier. At the inn Jake spends some one on one time with Ashleigh. And cue our first truly awkward moment of the night. It’s clear that Jake and Ashleigh have absolutely no chemistry and nothing to talk about. So Ashleigh resorts to the one thing she’s got going for her: sex appeal. When all else fails, just wrap your legs around a guy and give him some good come hither stares. That should work, right? We’ll see…Jake asks Vienna for one on one time next, but she declines because she wants to be the last one with one on one time. Wow, welcome to the Vienna Show. Everyone gets some alone time with Jake but Jesse. Or, if she did, they didn’t show it. It’s surprising she’s even made it this far. Jenn swears Jesse looks like someone, but can’t quite place her (aside from her resemblance to the Tribiani sisters). As for me, I would say her doppelganger is the girl mouse from Fievel Goes West. At the end of the night, my favorite, Tenley, gets the rose.

Now it’s time for the 2 on 1 date with Ella and Kathryn. Something about Kathryn’s face is annoying and Jenn agreed saying she “looked like death.” So true…On the date Jake gets some alone time with Ella and starts giving hints to Ella that he doesn’t want to take her away from her kid. But she’s not picking up what he’s laying down because she just tells him that it’s not a problem, whilst stroking his arm with her super creepy long fingers.

When Jake gets alone time with Kathryn she shines the light in his eyes and begins the interrogation by asking him why he doesn’t pay attention to her. Isn’t that an argument for married couples? You don’t want to bring that kind of nagging out on your first alone time with a guy.

In a not so shocking move, Jake gives neither girl the rose. I guess he wasn’t ready to be a baby daddy to Ella’s kid. And Kathryn, well, she was just too forgetful. But Ella is nice enough to wish Jake the best, saying she hopes he doesn’t crash and burn in his decision…we think she meant crash and burn on the runway of love. Oh Ella, Ella, Ella, A. And Jenn’s psychic ability to foresee the future was able to predict the dramatic scene ending: Jake’s slow but thoughtful walk to throw the unused rose in the fire.

And finally, the rose ceremony. Ali is ever so recognizable in yet another yellow dress, no clip this time though. It’s a slight improvement but still, it’s like she’s hoping that if she wears the same color he won’t forget her name or something. Gia looks like a clown with her crazy red lipstick and super wide smile. Corrie gets some alone time with Jake and they talk about opening up more with each other. They don’t actually open up, they just talk about it. Jesse takes Jake aside and gives him a close up of her electric green eyeshadow (circa 1988) and tells him how bad Vienna (sausage) is for him. He thanks her for being a good friend…ouch. She’s gone for sure.

Nothing surprising during the rose ceremony until, with 2 roses left, Jake leaves the room with tears in his eyes. He seeks out his BFF Chris Harrison to ask his advice about the 3 girls left. He knows he’s not in love with 2 of them, so he asks Chris to take a rose away. I think Jake was surprised that Chris would call him out on it and say to the girls “Jake wanted me to do this.” Come on, Chris, you’re supposed to be the crutch and take the fall so our Bachelor is the hero. Oh well. Chris leaves Jake with 1 rose, which goes to Vienna. The other girls are not happy about his choice. And Ashleigh is pretty wrecked about being dumped over Vienna - I guess that sex appeal doesn’t always work, after all. Bummer.

We feel like this season has gone really fast already and we don’t know any of the girls or see any real connection. What do you think?

- Ashley & Jennifer

what to watch tonight: Monday the 25th.

TONIGHT'S PREMIERES:
ABC FAMILY: Greek at 10p
FX: Damages at 10p
BBC America: The Inbetweeners at 9p
Showtime: The Secret Diary of a call girl at 10p; State of the Union at 10:30p; La La Land at 11p

TiVo SEASON PASS:
ABC: The Bachelor at 8p
CW: Life Unexpected at 9p